Home Archives Profile Book Notes Mail Cast Misc Rings Host



lost

2002-11-27


no, i am definitely not fine. in fact, i am feeling pretty shit. have done for quite a few days.
let's go back a few days and have a look at monday morning. that was really one of the saddest and most awful moments of my life. my little darling bj�rn, whom i mentioned a few times already, got fired. for no reason. well, they must have had a reason but they wouldn't tell him or us and unless he's secretly a really bad motherfucker criminal, there isn't anything i can think of to fire him. i think it's especially bad because there are so many people at my work who've done obviously crap things and they would deserve it so much more. but no, bj�rn had to go. and that basically ruined the whole day because everyone was sad and noone could concentrate on their work.
so, i stayed home yesterday and today. also bacause i finally had to get my car fixed. adn it was really necessary. the people at the garage said my brakes were awfully messed up and i was close to having a really nasty accident. so now my grandpa is thinking about sueing the guy who sold us the car because i've only had it for three months and the guys at the garage said it's impossible to get the brakes in such a bad condition in such a short time. so, they must have been fucked up before and my grandpa asked several times if they had checked everything before selling it to us and they always said 'yes'. so, now he feels pretty arsed and wants to sue them. i guess, i'd be pretty pissed, too, but there's too much shit going on and i'm way too depressed and all i want is to get my car back. more hassle feels quite unbearable to me at the moment. i don't want to have to deal with anything else. and even my humble little wish didn't get fulfilled as the evil garage-man called today and said they couldn't keep their promise and i wouldn't get it back today.that sucks big time because i have to go to work tomorrow and i have to take my mom's car to get there. it's much older than mine and each time i have to drive it i find it hard to get used to everything. *feels awful*

dunno, i think i mentioned in my last entry that i've been rather depressed again in the past few weeks. well, it just won't go away. things are seeming rather pointless again. the only thing that's lighting up my life at the moment is my trip to london on friday. and i'm afraid of what will come afterwards. there'll be nothing to look forward to. well, nothing in the near future, nothing to actually keep me going. no concerts, trips, meetings, whatever.
on monday, at home in the evening, i nearly broke down again. just the presence of my mom and my grandpa kept me from doing it. i more or less forced myself to contain myself by staying around them all the time. later in bed i cried a little but fell asleep pretty quickly which was good.
i don't know...i'm craving a really good serious talk but i don't know who to talk to. maja and mariam would be obvious choices but i can't bring myself to start with serious topics. each time we talk we end up joking around. and there is noone else who'd be close enough to listen to such kinda problems. well, sabrina would be close enough but she wouldn't understand. we live in different worlds.
it would be nice to have someone who'd only pop up when you need someone to listen. without own feelings. they could just sit there and listen and maybe give advice...but always good advice. i know that's selfish but without any other connections, it would make it easier for me to talk to people. when i know we could aswell be joking around or talking about our several obsessions or whatever, i always think that that would be a better way to make use of the time and that bringing up depressing topics would spoil everything. maybe i'm stupid but i can't help it.


rachel stamp - do me in once and i'll be sad, do me in twice and i'll know better



Previous - Next