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I'm on sinking sand
2002-03-27
just posting to let you know that i just got a letter telling me i did NOT get the apprenticeship. and i'm feeling even worse than i thought. cos i'm feeling nothing. i thought i'd cry but nope! i'm not feeling like 'oh well...next time' or something equally positive, either.
stay beautiful!
if i'm feeling anything at all then it's shame. shame because i failed once again. in all important situations, i fail. i was SO looking forward to telling everyone that i got it and that i'm great. now i have to tell them i failed. i'm especially afraid of telling my mom. she won't be angry or anything but i know that she believed in me and i don't want to disappoint her AGAIN. oh bloody hell...see? now i am crying! 
i even thought about just not telling her. in the letter they said they'd use me as kinda replacement if someone who got it didn't want it. (yeah, thanks. fuck you!) so maybe i could just see if they call and then tell my mom they just forgot to send a letter. and if they won't call i could find something else and still tell her they never contacted me. but my mom works for the government, too, and she could easily call in there and ask. she even knows the woman who did the job interview. oh, BLOODY HELL!
i have to go and make some serious plans now. hell knows what i'll come up with.
:::liebling::: 
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