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my personal cure
2003-01-27
*sigh* sometimes i wish i could tell placebo how much better they make me feel. i've had this argument with maja earlier on and i still don't know what exactly it was about or if it could even be called an argument. and i was feeling all depressed and sad the whole time afterwards. just not i was browsing around to find a suitable placebo piccy for a new layout (expect some changes in the next days/weeks) and it made me feel loads better. i haven't looked at placebo piccies or watched videos or even listened to much of their music for quite a long time and it felt so great. like coming back, going back to the roots. maybe it's sick but i can rely on them...or not on them personally but as a band. i know they'll always be great and i can listen to their music and it'll always amaze me, even at the 1000th time. and sometimes i just wanna tell them. tell them how often they've saved me from going crazy already. but i know i'll never get the chance. maybe, just maybe, i'll meet them sometimes but i know i won't tell them. partly because many people feel similarly about them and i know they can't take the time to listen to each fan's story. but also because i'd never have the courage to walk up to them and tell them everything. if i'll ever meet them, i'll just smile and be nice or something. but i'm ok with that. i don't even know if i really want them to know about this. i guess i want them to think i'm a normal person with a normal life...and not a loser who makes so much depend on them...
probably i don't even need them to know. i just want them to be my own little cure for my personal pain.
i have to go to school tomorrow. there's no way around it. either i go there or to see a doctor...who wouldn't find anything and it'd be obvious that i'm skipping. and i don't want to run away anyway. but i don't know if i'll survive tomorrow. there are too many things messed-up at the moment. i don't want to have to put up with my class, and go through p.e. refusing to participate because i don't wanna play football against the guys and i don't want to force myself to concentrate on the subjects. but i know i have to. i just don't know how i can go on pretending to be normal, anymore. it works for a few days/weeks and then i'm back to being the fucked-up little shit that i am...
*sigh* whatever. i guess i'm going to sleep now. hopefully that'll make me feel better. if i wake up tomorrow and i'm feeling shit, i don't know what i will do...
placebo - english summer rain