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...denn wenn's nur regnet, ist es besser aufzugeben
2004-11-26
it's time for an update even though i am leaving for london in less than 2 hours and i still need to pack my bag. and i have a hell of a lot of things i want to write about. so i have to make it short which doesn't seem appropriate.
first of all...sorry to maja for not calling back. i did receive your message but i'm a) too stressed out to call back and b) in the process of thinking a few things over. but don't worry, it's nothing bad or anything and i'll call you on sunday / monday.
ok, on to the interesting parts...the exam was rather shite. i don't even know if i passed or not. i have no feeling at all about it. there were quite a lot of things i didn't know about and others also said they had never heard of it. it was kind of unfair since our teachers all said we were through with all the topics that could come up. but it was mostly multiple choice so there's a 50/50 chance of me being right or wrong. so i could have failed or passed. but since i won't know before january, i just won't think about it too much. i guess the worst that could happen would be another 6 months at the company.
yesterday, however, i had the worst breakdown i've ever had. i fell out with my mum and we had this really silly and realy hurtful screaming session and then i just ran to my car and started driving around. the play was to drive to burger king to get food but i ended up crying so hard and looking like a zombie. so i really didn't feel like facing the BK people. i drove to my old school. there's the huge car park which was mainly empty. so i parked the car under a bridge and just stayed there for some 30-40 minutes crying and thinking. but then it got too cold and didn't want to leave the engine running just to stay warm, so i started driving around again. i don't even think that anything important happened in my head. i didn't suddenly find a solution for all my problems and there was no click in my head which will change everything. but it felt good to just sit there and think even though i felt really bad about fighting with my mum and about loads of other things that had originally led up to the pressure becoming too much for me to handle.
basically, i just felt left alone because people seemed so careless about all those exams and how much pressure it's putting on me and all. yesterday it seemed way worse and i felt seriously...alone. today, it's way better, so i won't even bother trying to get back to it.
the other thing is that i need to find a way back to maja as i fear this is becoming more and more meaningless. and that's exactly what i shall spend the weekend thinking about.
and with that, i must leave you now to go say bye to my grandpa and pack my bag and shit...sorry for cutting this short, but i'm busy! o:)
AFI - silver and cold