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not in the mood...
2003-10-26
i feel generally sucked out and empty today. there's this project i am working on with some people. i don't know if i mentioned it before but it doesn't really matter right now. what matters, however, is that i think i'll just leave the team. i really really loved the project and i really really wanted to be a part of it but right now it just looks like i am just bothering people and they can't take me serious and i guess once you realise that, it's best to just give up. i really thought those people wanted it to work out as much as i did but either they don't or they just don't want to do it with me so yeah...
again, i haven't done anything productive today. i plan on watching my typical sunday-programme, then spend some time studying and then go online as i just promised someone i would be online later tonight. which is ridiculous. me saying i will be online, i mean. everybody knows i will. when was the last time i spent a night offline? completely offline, i mean. not like...going on and coming online for a bit afterwards which is just a reduction of online time. i mean, really either logging off earlier and not going on again or even not logging on at all for a day. ok, malta doesn't count as that wasn't my free will, was it?
when you think about it...malta and all seems so far away but it wasn't even half a year ago. only four months or something. and my grandma hasn't been dead for a bit longer than a year. time always seems like it's flying but actually, it's just crawling.
last night i dreamed i had a child. it was a bit of a scary dream. imagine me having a kid! but on the other hand it was cool. it was like me and her (it was a baby girl) against the world. kind of sweet, really.
bah, my keyboard is making evil noises when i it the space bar. like it was loose or something but it isn't. it's really annoying. especially since i can't just go and get a new one. icky. but i can't just stop typing things forever and ever and ever...meh. especially not with the nanowrimo coming up. i still haven't come up with a really good story. i have so many things in my head and quite often i get this huge flash running through me and i think that it's the bestest idea ever. but a day later, i already find it boring and unimportant.
but the good news is...i am feeling better now than i did when i felt when i started writing this entry. in fact i am not half as gloomy and empty. i'm even feeling quite motivated when i think about studying later. goodies.
so yeah, i don't know what to do. i just...don't. i never know how to handle such situations. when i think people are saying or thinking bad things about me, i think. and to me it seems quite obvious that they think i suck. which is ok, i mean...i don't need people to worship me all the time. i just never know how to react.
so i guess i'll make the best of it and do what i promised myself now...
AFI - this time imperfect