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the art of self-pitying
2003-08-26
i am very proud because i survived today. i really thought i wouldn't. you know, there are days when work seems crap but you still manage to get through it. you just manage spending some hours putting up with the crap. that's what i feel like most of the time.
i also kind of noticed that there's no hope for me to ever have a busy day there. there just isn't any work. my tasks are just planning the employees time off and managing all the missing employees lists and their files and all. and, well, we get all the papers in the morning, then they get added to the lists and that was it. and the others don't really seem to have any real work, either. they seem to be working all the time but i watched them today and they're just re-modeling tables and changing colours and shit. so, obviously i can't expect ever having much to do.
the worst thing about it all is that when people are at work but there is no work they try to socialise. and that again results in superficial talks full of politeness and attempts of becoming fake friends. now, this sounded a little rude. i didn't mean it that way. i just mean that it's obvious that i and the older co-worker haven't much in common so why try having serious talks about personal stuff. she doesn't care about the things i like and to be honest...i couldn't care less about her daughter and family life and all. also, i think i mentioned before how i much i hate having talks on that level and pretending you're alright when you're not. but why and how would i tell her how i feel? she wouldn't care and i don't want her to care. but i don't want to have 'normal' conversations like that, either. i don't care whether the weather is better than yesterday or about her daughter being woken up by chicken at her youth camping thing. i know this sounds selfish but hey, i don't even know all these people so why would i care?
so, yes, as you might have guessed, i am not feeling very well. i can't really blame it all on work. i think i'm generally depressed again. not as bad as it was a few times before, though, so don't piss your panties, please.
at least i found out today who's gonna support placebo on their tour and it's skin which makes me insanely happy as she really really really rocked when she supported robbie. scarily, though, i thought she looked like a female black stef with her sunglasses.
my tummy hurts but that's ok. it just adds to the things that suck in my life at the moment. oh, so much lovely self-pity...
but today was one of the terrible days when time just won't pass. and i also did a lot of stupid things which made the day even longer just because i'm too polite to raise my voice. my co-worker/'boss' asked me whether i could shorten my break a little because she wanted to leave at 1.15 and didn't want the other girl to be alone. and though i really needed to get out and for once had something planned for the break i agreed. and when i got back i just sat in front of the screen staring at the little windows clock which just wouldn't make the time pass. and guess what? at 3.45 the other girl actually got some bad news which meant loads of work and she just mentioned that it would be nice if i could stay a bit longer. hell, i am the queen of lousy excuses, why didn't i make something up then? instead i stayed half an hour longer.
today i was sent downstairs to throw away some old paper and that is really a crappy task but i was happy about it because it meant having something to do.
i just even lied to annette. she asked how i was and i said i was fine. but that doesn't really count. people are supposed to say that. it's like saying hello when meeting someone. people don't ask how other people are because they wanna know, you see?
the rasmus - in my life