Home
Archives
Profile
Book
Notes
Mail
Cast
Misc
Rings
Host
i hate myself and i want to die.
2003-03-24
i feel so stupid. i really hate myself right now. ok, i hate myself all the time but today added an extra-bit to my self-disgust. no, i didn't get to see/meet placebo. why? because i fucked it up. ok, partly saturn (the record store) can be blamed cos they said the session would be from 6-8pm. so we got there a bit later. around 6.40pm or so. we wanted to be there earlier but didn't find our way around cologne and blah. and when we arrived, the guys were gone already. loads of people were late. and it was all really crap cos i mean...there wasn't a sign of them when we arrived which meant the session can't have lasted longer than half an hour or something.
i don't even think i'm all that gutted about not meeting them. that is something i'll get over soon as my mates are right...i will get more chances. but what really really bothers me is that i am the one to blame.
i, however, got 'sleeping with ghosts' today. it's got the most beautiful booklet i have ever seen in my life. though it took me ages to be able to really look at it and i haven't had a listen yet (shouldn't be too surprising anyway - just more special maybe) because i felt kinda unworthy. like 'what kind of a fan are you?'. stupid i know but do i have to say how much i suck again? i guess i'll listen to it tonight and let it carry me to sleep.
anyway, i need to end this now as placebo are on telly right now and that's at least something to cheer me up. (haha, i'm sure all those people on aad are delighted to hear that they didn't manage to cheer me up though they tried quite hard and placebo manage within seconds) lookies, the 'taste in men'-vid. aww...i'm not sure which i like more about that vid...brian or his coat... *wants...both*
ps: maja, if you didn't read the post on aad. i'm sorry for not giving you any sign of my existence yet but i really wasn't ready to talk and i know i would have had to explain things which i wouldn't have been able to do...
but still i am to blame the most. this was my dream. a big deal. i love those guys. i really do. not necessarily in a pre-mature 'i want your babies'-kinda way. but i just do love them. they've become a part of my life and their music means more to me than my own fucking life (ok, that's not hard seeing as i wouldn't mind dying tomorrow). i just wanted to let them see a bit of this 'truth' and just get something signed. which i think is a very sincere and nice little wish. i am not even wishing for loads of money or world peace or anything else equally big. and this was a bloody chance to achieve it. the easiest chance anyone could ever be given. nothing i had to do. no competition to win, people to convince, whatever...just go there and meet them. and even that i managed to fuck up. do i suck or what? several people have told me already that i will meet them soon. but hey, how do you expect me to believe this? i fucked this up...an easy opportunity. it was almost idiot-proof! so how do you expect me to meet them when i actually have to do something for it? haha, i suck so much...
i hope this taught me something. like not to be late anymore. or be more reliable. i doubt it, though. because - and i might have mentioned it already - i suck.
i hope i'll survive work tomorrow, though. i don't really feel like dealing with stupid customers and maybe i'll even start bawling again which has happened a few times already. and the early shift just won't end anyway. can someone please come here and shoot me? or can i drop dead? just something along those lines, please?
placebo - taste in men