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jesus and other signs of insanity

2003-02-24


i'm so bored. and noone's online. except for tina who just told me to piss off. *giggles* j/k but she's busy. and the rest of the online folks are either not there or not really my first choice as in who to talk to. mind you, i should be in bed anyway as i hardly slept last night.
oh great, drunk people on telly. lucky lucky bastards!

i talked to my 'master for the next 2.5 months' today. he sounded ok-ish. i was supposed to go there to introduce myself tomorrow but he won't be there so i only have to work til 12pm and then i can go home which is cool. and in the evening i'll watch the premiere of 'the bitter end' on mtv.

ooooh, i know you're so sick of placebo by now but this is my diary and you have to live with it. either that or you can piss off :p
anyway, so i heard the greatest news ever. apparently there'll be a signing session on 24th march in cologne. and guess who'll be there. *points @ self* i even took a day off for that. which felt unbelievably good. taking a day off for placebo...legally. now i only need to gain some guts to actually go there and look at them and have them look at me and (god forbid) TALK to them.
fuck. i'm basically breaking every rule i've ever set for myself. i'm actually quite mature but i act like a 12y.o. and i mean, i know they're just people yet i have thise huge god-like image of them (and most celebs) in my head. it just seems so impossible to just go there. i know i won't have hours to talk to them but even just standing in front of them seems so impossible to me. talk about low self-esteem. but i still have a whole month time to actually become a normal and sane person. well, sane enough to make them think i'm alright and i have a life and it doesn't depend on them, either...which quite unbelievably it does at the moment. i mean...it is hard to describe. it's almost completely fucked up. my friends/family can do everything to cheer me up and won't succeed and then i only see one placebo video or them on the cover of a magazine and i freak out and burst out in happiness. it's not normal. it's sick. *sigh* not that there was much to distract me at the moment...

i think i pissed maja off a little earlier today because i wasn't really able to talk about her 'problems'. i couldn't concentrate or think straight so naturally i wasn't able to think of any proper advise and i felt a little drunk all evening anyway though i haven't touched alcohol for ages. so...sowwy if i pissed you off, sweety.

*yawns* (i can't see the keys while i'm yawning, tee hee). i'm really so so so tired. i should sleep. but i know that as soon as i drag my butt to bed i won't be able to fall asleep. and i'll run around in my bed, get scared when i look at the tv again (the ring, you know...) and listen to music. and approximately one hour before i have to get up i'll finally drift away and then i'm either totally knackered when my alarm clock rings or i'll switch it off without noticing and sleep in. both would be equally crap. but i think i'll just wait til the stuff i'm watching at the moment finishes and then try to sleep. if insomnia hits again, i can still read my awfully funny jesus autobiography.


kiss - i was made for loving you



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