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beauty
2002-10-23
i haven't really much to say at the moment. that's probably why i haven't updated in so long. i just feel indifferent about most things. i was in a terrible mood yesterday and was only slightly better today. apparently, most people seem to have a problem with my not-so-great mood. though i actually never expected them to...dunno, save my life or whatever they think they should do. so well...i've had some arguments, even some that could be considered rows already. yet i'm feeling totally indifferent about it all. *shrugs* it's just like...i don't feel like fixing things so why try? i guess once you're really feeling shit, you don't care anymore as it can't get worse anyway. personally, i don't give a shit if i piss people off, too. i don't even think it's me pissing them off. if they decide they want to be annoyed by everything i say or do...fine. but don't bother me with it. i mean, it's not like i came home and said "ooohhh, i wanna annoy the shit out of you, c'mon and let me torture you". so, if they see i'm not in a good mood...why not let me alone?
i saw the prettiest thing today. there were loads of dead trees (well, the leaves were dead) and right among them was one tree that actually had awfully beautiful white blossoms. it just seemed so out of place which made it even more beautiful because a blossom tree amongst blossom trees doesn't seem so special. i actually nearly crashed into another car while i was driving because i kept staring at that tree.
i got my first journal from 1000journals yesterday. i already started working on my pages. i decided to make it kinda "my life in a nutshell" thingie and include an ickle bit of everything i like...or at least the things that are more or less important to me.
oh well...i better go to bed now. starbucks opens here tomorrow and i plan to go there...
ps: mariam, if you happen to read this...i didn't get to call you, today, as i was home after 6pm and still had loads of things to do and blablabla. i'll call you tomorrow after starbucks, k?
but it's not only that. i also feel totally unexcited about my plans at the moment. it's like "oh yeah, i'm gonna see the manics" or "right, i'm going to london". i know that it won't stay like that forever. it's like a flu...when your nose and ears and throat and everything are completely numb. i hate it. or...i would hate it if i was able to feel anything like hate at the moment.
and i had another almost-crash today. somehow, i didn't find the right excuse why i couldn't drive sascha home now. and he was really annoying the shit out of annette and me. so, while i was fighting with him about who gets to choose the station on MY radio, i actually freaked out, started screaming hysterically and hit the brakes so hard, i'm surprised noone flew through the window. it was all fake, of course. there was a huge truck behind us and that's all they knew. i knew the truck was miles away and we were only driving like 20km/h or so. but they didn't. so, he was *really* shocked and his face went pale and he was unnaturally quiet for the rest of the time. haha. serves him right. poor annette, though. i couldn't warn her.
placebo - every you every me