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motivation
2003-06-23
i'm a little gutted cos i have to go to school tomorrow again. and we have p.e. as well. dunno how to survive that. i feel so lazy and entirely unable to move lately.
but other than that i am surprisingly fine. i think i'm in the best mood since before the gigs. and i don't know why. but i won't complain. it feels good not to be depressed anymore. i'm not scared of myself anymore. at times in the past few weeks i really was because it felt like at some point the bad feelings would win over me and i'm never quite sure what will happen then.
currently i am fighting a really embarrassing urge. there is this really disgusting teenie magazine and it's about the worst one of them all. but it has a poster of brian that i find quite cute and i don't know whether i should buy it before school tomorrow. i mean, i'd do it in d�sseldorf and the chance that i get caught doing so is relatively small. but then again...do i really want teenie magazine posters on my wall? actually ever since my take that-days ended i've only had really posh posters like from UK magazines (they always get much better posters) or the big ones you can buy.
i really really want to drive. i promised myself i'd do something this weekend. maybe visit a friend or go out. not because i wanted to see my friends - at the moment most of them can suck my pinky, really - or because i wanted to do something but because i wanted to drive. i miss it so much. i decided i will drive to school on wednesdays and fridays because we only have lessons til 1 then which means i only have to re-park the car once. i can do that, i suppose.
monday/tuesday - placebo on mtv hooray.
the latter is more or less a longtime-motivation but the ones before that get my through school. except for the last two weeks of july. i have no idea how to survive them. probably by studying and keeping myself occupied because we'll have most of the exams scheduled around that time so it will involve many times of going home earlier and stuff.
but now i shall go to bed or tomorrow will have to be the first day i have to spend at home.
seems like i cannot have any proper problems. either they have to do with me being suicidal or - when i am not feeling down - they're non-existent.
i am quite proud of myself because i managed to get through the first week without being late, skipping or going home earlier. ok, two days were off anyway but i mean, i have to motivate myself. my motivation for the following weeks looks pretty much like this:
thursday - wage + holiday bonus
14th july - robbie williams gig. rock on.
august/september - terremoto fest + london
afi - girl's not grey