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navigating through my life
2005-01-22
i'm bored and tired and i have a headache and i feel like crying. wow, that was a lot of (useless) information. in fact, i think telling you i'm bored would have probably been enough. i think the rest is just a result of that. i always start feeling really crappy when i'm bored.
today, it finally dawned on me that i am really unemployed now. i mean, i realised that i really won't be working anymore. i won't ever go back there and...that was that. it's not something big to realise and it's only the logical result of passing my finals but i don't think i've seen it that clearly until today. i went to give all my stuff back yesterday. company ID card and all. but it still felt like i'd be coming back next week. i even said "have a nice weekend" instead of "goodbye". it was probably because annette and alex were with me and they're going to the goodbye-party next week which i'm not. so they weren't behaving like it was final and i guess i went along.
my mum said i should reconsider my decision about not going to the party as i might regret it later. right now, i couldn't disagree more. i really don't want to see them anymore and i don't know what would be so important about going there. but my mum also said i'd wish i'd gone back to school or stayed at school and that's basically what i'm doing all the time. but i don't want to cancel my trip to maja, either. i hate having to make decisions. i wish there was someone to tell me what to do. no, actually i wish there was a way to get away from everything and think my life over for a while. currently, i'm just running around without knowing the direction. i'm applying for jobs i think i wouldn't even like to get, i make plans i don't know i want to keep and i'm talking to people i'm not sure i want in my life. but trying to think about it and make proper decisions only gives me a headache and depresses me, so i simply stop. and the people around me aren't exactly helpful. they're only telling me that i need to find a job to earn money / be able to make plans. well, how? where? make proper suggestions or shut up, please!
my chemical romance - i'm not ok (i promise)