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nothing, really...
2003-09-21
things on my to do-list for today:
take a shower including washing my hair and doing all the girly hygiene stuff
study
arrange my other school stuff
write a letter
get some packages ready to send off to ebay people
and i actually managed most of them. except from writing the letter and arranging the other school stuff but that's alright. i was still about 10 times as productive as i am on a usual sunday.
hmm...i still have to book train tickets to go see placebo with maja in october. though i am seriously thinking about going by car. i'm scared of that but that seems to be so much cheaper, really. and in the end...i'll also be going by train on my own. ok, i won't be driving the train and i can't crash it into walls and shit but being alone is being alone, right? i don't even know what exactly i'm scared of. my car breaking down or me breaking down?
the only thing that really put a dark shadow on this day is that tomorrow's monday. and i have to go back to that sucky work. i just can't seem to get along with it. i just can't. i can't be myself there, so i spent 8 hours a day being extremely unhappy. and i spend the rest of the day thinking of the next day which i will spend in misery again. i try to motivate myself by telling myself that i'll be seeing placebo soon and that i'll get lovely stuff i ordered in the mail and that i can leave that place in december but nothing helps because no matter how good those things sound...i still have to go there every morning and pretend to be someone i'm not and bore myself to death and feel bad for sitting around doing nothing though there's nothing else to do. the latter is the worst, actually. i'm constantly feeling useless and worthless because i'm doing nothing. most of the other people there seem to be busy all the time because they have all the programs and all the knowledge they need to be working. i have nothing, so i sit around. it would be ok if the others never had anything to do, either, cos the it would just be a fact that there was no work to do. but this way it just seems like i am a useless little piece of shit and i'm constantly aware of their looks when i'm doing other things like writing emails and all. but if i'm not emailing people, i die because they'll at least talk to me. most of the time that is. i don't know. it just depresses me so much and i don't know what to do. i'm scared that it'll be like this for the rest of my life...
mesh - leave you nothing