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confused
2002-08-21
wow. i can update. finally! as andrew posted on the main site, there have been quite a few problems. so for once, the lack of updates isn't my fault. makes me feel rather good.
the past days have been rather unspecial, though. i've been shopping and driving my grandpa around. nothing i could really write about without boring you all to death. i still haven't talked to maja. she probably hates me by now. but i can't help it. each time i plan to call her i end up falling asleep or busy or just "not in the mood". i decided never to call/meet anyone anymore when i'm not in the mood because i always end up in arguments with those people. and i mean...in the end, they're mad at me for not being nice and concentrating on them and blah. but if i don't call they're just mad at me for not keeping in touch and i'll have the same result with less effort.
i'm also not feeling well because of my job. i'm getting fairly scared of it. i mean, what if i screw up once again? i'll be working there for three years. and usually i get bored after one year. ok, it might be nice and cool but after a certain time i just want something new. what if i just skip work all the time and they'll kick me out? it's scaring me so much that i'm almost getting depressed again.
one thing is good, tho. in the past few weeks i've got pretty sick of living here. i even thought about getting my mom to pay half the rent for an own appartment or something. but today, i read a post on the silver rocket forum about getting your own place and all and somehow, it made me see how much i actually love living here. i don't even know what i didn't like about it. it's brilliant. ok, so i live with my mom but she works til 4 or 5 everyday and i have the place to myself. and my grandpa usually doesn't come here before she comes home. and i can listen to music/watch telly almost as loudly as like to at all times. i can even put my posters up on the kitchen wall and decorate all sorts of places in our flat as much as i like. it's not like living with my mom but sharing a place with her. so i dunno what i thought was wrong with it. *shrugs* oh well, i'm enjoying my "i'm pretending to be a little teenager" phase. :)
i'm also feeling rather lonely. which collides with the previous paragraph. but i don't want to talk to someone and discuss things. i wanna go out and have fun and just be all relaxed and casual about it. i wanna be silly and make stupid jokes and whatever. on the phone, you can't do that. you always have to talk and talk and talk. but the only ones who i could go out with are sabrina and danny. i don't need to mention sabrina anymore... *rolls eyes* and danny? well, she contacted me today. but i dunno if she's actually mad at me for not txting/calling her in so long...
it's weird. i mean, sometimes i can sit around and do nothing for weeks and i don't care. now, i am always more or less busy. i've done something everday in the past few weeks. but nooooooo...i'm complaining. i've just not done anything fun. ok, so i spent loads of money and drove around in my car which is fun. but i haven't done anything with any friends. *sigh*
savage garden - S.T.