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racing thoughts
2004-08-20
maja just called me from london. that cheered me up a lot because i think it's very sweet of her to think of me though she's probably busy with her mates.
and this also sounds like a completely insane entry. but it's what's been on my mind all the time today. it's all pretty messed up and almost like a brainstorming - just thought after thought racing through my mind and i am unable to really hold onto one and think about it any further. i'm not sure if i should do that, either. maybe i'm just not feeling very well today and tomorrow, everything will feel alright again. i am pretty sure that that will be the case actually. but i also feel that some of the things are of some importance and i should at least consider changing them and sorting things out. because they're bothering me quite often. for example i really need to dort things out with maja. or rather...relax about it. i really think i should stop analyzing it all.
i've not done anything but thinking all day. well, of course, i ate, i drank...but other than that, i've just been sitting in front of my laptop, more or less clicking myself through my favourite websites and listening to music on my ipod (man, that think is so shweet!) and thinking. it felt good but i'm exhausted now...
oh wait, i did one not so pointless thing: i downloaded a live performance of the lost prophets. burn burn, to be precise. whoa, it bloody rocks! hard! i think i should check them out if they ever come on tour here again. very very awesome stuff. the whole band keeps in close contact to the crowd most of the time and there's a lot of interaction between them. plus their music is great to freak out to. looks very promising.
but a minute later i was back to my sulky self. that's right. it's been a "who the hell am i?"-day again. i woke up and found myself thinking about a lot of things. especially friendships. i figured the only person i'd actually still call a friend is maja. i can't even say that about annette because i realise we're never having serious talks and i'm pretty much unable to have one with her. not because i think her reaction would be bad but i can't imagine her to understand me. we have completely different backgrounds, tastes and opinions. there's no point in it all.
but then i also read a txt maja had sent me some time yesterday or last night or whenever (my phone had shut itself off because i forgot to charge it) and i was kind of...not so happy. she wrote something about being pissed and stoned. now, i just can't deal with people talking about doing drugs. i know i've made loads of jokes about it before but i can't actually take people really doing them. so far, it's never been an issue because the only person who ever seriously mentioned it was annette who used to smoke pot regularly a while ago. i just told her i didn't think it was too cool and that was it. now maja's obviously doing it and i can't say i'm happy with it. mind you, i can't stop her from doing it, nor am i gonna try. it just makes me feel weird.
i then went on to think about why i think of her as a best friend. i mean...we don't seem to have too much in common. sometimes i even think we have major problems understanding each others motivations and reasons. i think we have pretty much the same issues and i guess there are also similarities in our backgrounds but our ways of dealing with things are completely different. she's changed a lot in the past few months and i know that she knows that it worries me but sometimes i wonder if that's really the case. does it really bother me that she's changed or is it more the fact that i haven't changed at all. i'm still at the same spot i've been at several months ago. and people know it. they know i'll always be at the same point if they need me. it bothers me to think of how safe they must feel because they can just go ahead do their thing because they needn't even check if i'm here. they don't have any need to worry whether i might move on and leave them behind. it feels like i've died at some point earlier and now i'm just watching others go on with their lives.
i don't even know what i want. i keep thinking that i want more. but i don't know what i want more of. money? friends? fun? what? today i wondered if maybe i don't want to *get* more but to *be* more. maybe i just want people to completely care, for me to be important to them, to be taken serious and all that. it's hard to explain this. i quite often feel silly. like people are looking down at me. i'd rather not talk about myself most of the time because i never feel like people will really get what i'm saying. i always fear they will think i'm weird. if authority people or people i fancy or would like to have as a friend or just complete strangers approach me and talk to me, i often blush for no reason. they needn't even ask me anything personal. yesterday, for example, my boss saw me listening to music on my ipod and just asked whether it was an mp3 player and i blushed like he had just asked whether i was shaved. it's completely insane how insecure i am most of the time.
AFI - synesthesia