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I need a chance
2005-09-19
I had a really rough day. Not because everything was so bad but because I am in a "My life sucks!"-mood and it's hard to deal with things on such days. So I guess it was a bad idea to go do the grocery shopping today. They only had really old and shrivelled cucumbers, so I couldn't buy those. They didn't have the kind of Salami I wanted and they were out of my hair dye. And the place was packed with losers. And I mean losers. People who only exist so they can live off their social support money. The problem isn't that they're there. The problem is that I can see them and they freak me out because I'm scared of ever becoming like that. There was a docu on TV last night. It was on national TV and it was about *my* town. About how rundown the area is and about how piss-poor people are. And about how every fifth citizen is unemployed. And about how people who live here have hardly any future. And it just scares me. It's always done. I look at them and yeah, I feel like I am different. I am smarter. I have more common sense. But in the end, I am still just one little step from becoming...them. I mean, who tells me they weren't like me before they became the scum they are now? Who tells me they didn't start to fall apart because they became unlucky? Is their a guarantee that I won't just give up on myself someday? By now, I know that I need to get lucky in order to get out of my little black hole. There is no "Get off your ass and prove yourself!" because first, I need someone to give me a chance and watch me prove myself. Which is not happening at all at the moment. It seems I definitely have to get out of here. Which I wondered about today when I talked to my Mom. And she accused me of not being realistic. A woman who has had the same job for 30 years and still thinks this will happen to me and completely refuses to acknowledge the fact that my unemployment is real and it is a problem, accuses me of not being realistic when I say that I might have to start looking for jobs in the Cologne area because there are loads. I can't believe it. I don't even know why she has to do this every single time. Whenever I start to think of ways out of this, she puts me down. "I know you and I doubt you'll go through with school this time", "You want to leave? Why? You'll not make it in the big city!" Ok, she didn't say it that way but if it's not what she meant...what DID she mean then? No wait, I don't care. I just don't need negativity right now. I'm giving myself enough of that. No, I don't know how it would work if I found a job so far away. I have no idea whether I could go there by car every morning. I might have to take the train until I'm able to afford a place there. I have no idea how that would work out. But I have no idea where I'll end up if I stay here, either. Except that I will be way more miserable. I just hate this. My Mom is the person closest to me that lives in my area and that I can regularly talk to about things and she just refuses to listen to ME. Yes, I have weird obsessions like music. Yes, I might have the wrong motivation. Yes, I have different dreams and hopes than other people my age but that is who I am. She tries to help but it seems she's doing it for another person. The average young German unemployed girl. Not me. And she'll forever hold it against me that I did not take the other apprenticeship that was offered a few years ago. The one with her precious local community. The same she is working for. I say "Mom, I'm so miserable. What am I gonna do?" and she says "Well, if you had come work with us back then..." I wanna punch her, hurt her very badly for that. Yes, it was the first real decision I made in my life and yes, with hindsight it was wrong. So fucking what? People make mistakes! And in any case, I couldn't have known how things would go back then, could I? It wasn't like the fucking company said "Well, we'll give you this apprenticeship and then we'll chuck you out after two years" and I said "Right, sounds great!" Things just went wrong but there's no way back and holding one fucking wrong decision against me for the rest of my live won't make things better. Plus, I don't regret it all. I met Annette during the apprenticeship. I feel I gained quite some self-confidence through it. I got to see places outside of my hometown which now enables me to apply for jobs there which I might not have done if I thought there was...the desert outside of the "non-existent" city gates.
*sigh* Someone give me a chance, please!
Placebo - Second Sight