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Swim in the calm tonight
2005-11-17
I wish I could stop being so dependant. 'Cause that's what I am. In any
way possible. Emotionally, financially, mentally...just pick one. My
whole life is being controlled by others. Mostly without them knowing
about it, of course. I hate this. It makes me feel even weaker than I
am.
Also, lately I've been fighting hard to keep my biggest secret to
myself. I've had it forever now. Absolutely no one knows about it. I've
jokingly mentioned it to random people over the years but no one knows
it's true. I don't know if it really is such a big thing as it's neither
illegal nor life-threatening as such. But I'm pretty positive that
people would simultaneously laugh and declare me insane. Which wouldn't
be far from the truth, really.
So...what's happened in my actual life then? Well, I went to the
My Chemical Romance gig with Tanja. It was great, though that can mostly
be said about me meeting Tanja again. Once again, we got along just
great. She's really one of the sweetest people ever. The gig itself was
ok. MCR put on a good show but I'm kind of growing out of them. Not
their music. But the band itself and their live shows and all. Or maybe
I'm really too wrapped up and the afee at the moment. I don't know. In
any case, I found the show a little dull after a while. And the support
acts (Drive By and Everytime I Die) were also stupid and clich�. MCR
also played a new song which sounded an awful lot like Last Christmas.
Strange. So yes...meeting Tanja again was the highlight of the day. She
also gave me a so so so so sweet birthday present: she got one of those
DIY-design tumblers from Starbucks and put loads of AFI picks and pink
glitter in there. Awww... And she also gave me a little Hello Kitty
cellphone accessorie (sp? Does that even exist as a singular?) Really
sweet. <3
My birthday generally wasn't so bad. The first half sucked a little as
it seemed my Mom was out to get me and the rest of the world had
forgotten about it all. See, I don't mind people forgetting about it if
they all do it. But leaving me alone with my mother's crazy "My baby's
all grown-up now. I remember having you in my womb"-frenzy is not cool.
But as the day went on, my phone kept ringing and beeping as calls and
texts came in. I even received some really surprising birthday wishes
from people I didn't expect anything from. Sweet. And the dinner also
went fine. I pulled through with my plan of going to Pizza Hut. Mostly
because I wanted to go to the old town of D�sseldorf. I've really grown
quite fond of it lately. It's awfully pretty and always has a relaxed
yet modern and international flair. I really enjoyed walking to the
restaurant and back and having a look at the strange little shops and
pubs and caf�s. I love that.
Wow, this has turned into a bit of a marathon entry. But well...I'm off
to London tomorrow (or later tonight actually) and then Lanzarote
shortly after that. So who knows? I might not be able to update in a
while. If that's the case: see ya!
Until recently, it's actually never bothered me all that much. I just
kept it to myself and that was that. But at the moment I feel like I
have two personalities...or lives even. And I can't help but feel
like there are people who should know, have a right to know.
Because I feel like it's starting to affect them, too. Also, it would be
a bit of an explanation concerning other things. Certain parts of my
personality and some patterns of my behaviour are directly controlled by
this truth.
But there is no way in hell I could ever actually tell anyone about
this. It's just too crazy, too insane, too...out there. No close friend,
no family member, not even a therapist or psychiatrist may ever know
about this. I need to find a way to get it out, though. But I'm afraid
of it. Any way of getting it off my chest would mean leaving possible
proof...a secret anonymous online journal, a locked regular journal,
just talking about it to myself in the car. Hell, even writing it on a
piece of paper and burning it straight after that seems too risky. I'm
absolutely paranoid about this. So far, it only exists in my head.
There's no actual trace of it to be found anywhere. This also means I
can conveniently pretend to myself that it doesn't exist. At least for a
little while. Get away from my own craziness. That's not a possibility
once I confess it in some way.
I just don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up anymore without
causing serious damage to myself. I've lived with it since I was very
young so by now it's become a part of my life and on most days, I don't
even notice it anymore. It just sort of...blends in with the rest of my
daily routine (or lack off). But there's always a chance of it being a
day where I suddenly stop dead in my tracks and go "What the fuck are
you doing? This is insane! How can you live like this?" and that's
really when shit hits the fan.
This is all really hard seeing as I can't actually tell you what exactly
I am talking about. I am dead scared of having given too many clues
already and someone figuring things out. But I had to vent. At least
this much. In lack of a better way, I had to do it here...
Gatsby's American Dream - Just Like Heaven