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i want to be taken serious!
2002-06-19
i am feeling awfully lonely right now. which even sounds ridiculous to me because i've spent the whole day in company with someone. first, i went shopping with my mom and then i went shopping with danny and then i talked to maja on the phone. but it's like...i dunno, there's so much i have on my mind at the moment and i can't really bring myself to talk about it. i feel like i'm not ready to let the guards slip, yet. i haven't really "talked" to anyone since the conversation i had with maja on the phone and that felt rather awkward because it wasn't planned. i always thought i'd be prepared if i ever told anyone about my feelings, you know, that i'd kinda think of a few things to say, so i could always kinda keep control. instead, all hell broke loose and i started babbling away and telling things i'm not sure i want people to know, yet. though, at the same time, i kinda thought everyone knew about my "teenage angst" (had to throw that in somewhere :p) anyway, because they're all reading this diary. but, of course, i can't write everything here. though, i noticed mine is probably one of the most honest i've come across so far. i've read some that just went like "i did this and that today..." and you always thought that either the author is a pretty cold and heart-less person or it's written by a comp. but there are always things you don't want everyone to read. while i am still convinced that it would be worse if certain things were read by friends than by complete strangers.
i had a really bad argument with my mom tonight. it wasn't bad because we were mad at each other but because once again, i involuntarily let go of my guards and told her some things i shouldn't have told her. actually, i was just complaining because my "brother" still hasn't fixed my msn and all. and she said i should just tell him myself. and then, i said no way would i do that because he never takes me serious anyway and i can live without his stupid comments about me being addicted to the thing and blah. and then she laughed! which was probably the worst thing she could have done. i started yelling and telling her to fucking stop laughing and if that was her idea of sticking up for her daughter and why she and everyone else always had to make fun of me and why i am never taken serious by anyone except the people whom i consider my friends and she considers just "acquaintances". it certainly wasn't some kind of "idea" that had just popped into my head because i was angry. it's true! through all the 19 years there've always been people who thought ridiculizing my interests was funny and i never needed to be taking serious. which resulted in a bit (ok, a big bit) of a low self-esteem because after a certain time, you're not able to tell anymore if the things you say or do are really silly or not. but anyway, i shouldn't have told her. not like that. of course, it's good that she knows now and at the moment every step in any direction is a progress but i should have just talked to her in a quiet moment. now, it's just seems like i've been throwing one of my tantrums. :/
anyway, i need to go to bed and continue reading my book now. adios!
so, anyway, i went and bought a "real" diary, today. it's gonna keep all my little secrets that i don't want the world to know about. and, gosh, i am SO paranoid! it has that little lock (as usual) but i'm still gonna hide it in a really good place and additionally i am gonna hide the keys. which is completely unnecessary because the only person living here other than myself is my mom and she's NEVER read my secret diary unless she was convinced i'd be harmed otherwise or whatever. she's not even interested in reading this one. and if any of my friends visit me, i don't think they'd actually read it, either. and even if they'd feel the desire to do so, they wouldn't be stupid enough to break the lock because i'd know who did it.
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