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I've seen you suffer, I've seen you cry
2006-02-18
What a strange day! It's not so much different to what Saturdays are usually like for me. But it feels different. Because of what? I don't know. Ever since the temp agency guy called again on Wednesday, I've been having small breakdowns about every few hours. I feel like crying and curling up in my bed all the time. In fact, that is what I was doing before writing this. I can't look or talk to my current co-workers without feeling a strong urge to just burst into tears. I don't know what to do. I got the final Yes from the other job. And it's such a huge pressure for me to just make a damn decision. Yes, the new job would be so much better and so much easier and such a huge improvement for me. But why do I have a bad feeling about it then? The guy said he'd call again today and we'd talk about how we'd go about it all. He hasn't called yet. And all I do is stare at the phone. I just can't seem to figure out whether I do it because I'm willing it to ring or because I'm dreading the moment it does. I still don't know what to tell him. I already told him I'd do it on Wednesday. But I haven't signed anything. It would be a shitty thing to do but I could still back out. Which I think I want to do. But then what? Stay at my current job for another 11 months and that was it? Because I doubt there'll be much of a future.
This is all affecting me so badly that other "problems" in my life have come bubbling up to the surface again. I had a dream about my Dad on Thursday. I don't remember what happened except that we had a talk about one thing or another. I can't believe he still manages to upset me but he does. Even though he's not doing anything.
It's all confusing me so much that I can feel depression creeping up on me again. I've been miserable ever since he called. Which shouldn't be the case. I should be happy and excited. But even his call wasn't as I imagined it. In fact, I called him because I had missed his call. And he was on a train and I couldn't really understand what he was saying. I expected myself to babble a lot and get all excited and smile while I was talking to him. But I wasn't. I was close to tears and really quiet. I guess if someone had been watching me, they would have thought I was breaking up with a boyfriend of a few years.
I don't even know why I'm so connected to my current job. It's not that great. The wage is a joke. So is the actual work because hardly anything ever happens. But I've just never felt so positive about anything I have done in my life. Work-wise, I mean. I feel like I'd only go for the other to not upset my Mom who said it would be easier for her since she wouldn't have to drive me to the station in the morning. On the other hand, she also said I should decline if I really have such a bad feeling about it. But I know she's saying it now because it's Saturday and nothing's bothering her and everything is fine and life is good. But next time we both accidentally sleep in and everything has to be done in a rush again, she'll blame me for making the "wrong decision" again. And who knows, maybe it would be the wrong decision.
Friendships are going down the drain. All of them. I'm not sure how and why but I don't see why it's up to me to save it all when others are so careless about it.
Annette, Alex, Melanie and me are supposed to meet on the 25th. But I don't know if I should even go. Mostly because I don't feel welcome. I've asked all three of them for details several times and all I'm getting are half-assed answers. Seriously. Go fuck yourselves and die. All of you.
Gatsby's American Dream - Just Like Heaven