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missed me?
2003-11-17
well, i haven't updated in a week and i feel bad for it which is the main reason why i am doing it now. but i don't really have anything interesting to write about. i've just been to work..survived my bday...yeah. he didn't call. or at least i wouldn't know. i was talking on the phone to mariam for ages and my mum was on the other phone so if he called he only got a line busy-sign. i had even forgotten about him completely but on thursday my mum suddenly mentioned him. she was all like "you know what i was just wondering about? you think it will happen tomorrow?" and i knew exactly what she meant and actually confessed that that was the main reason why i wanted to crawl under my blanket and fall asleep for days. and then i quickly changed topics and she knew better than to mention him again. so on my birthday and even the days after i literally jumped in my seat each time the black phone rang (my dad only has the general number and not mine, so it rings on the black phone instead of my white phone). i always told my mum that she should say i'm not home. but it was never him. i am almost sure that he didn't call at all. and you know what? it doesn't even hurt. my mum went all berserk over it, saying he's the worst father ever and blabla. but i just don't care. i thought i'd be all depressed now but i'm not. in a way this means that i can be pretty sure never to hear from him again and i know i should probably feel something like sadness or disappointment. but instead i feel kind of relieved. so yeah, basically...i haven't heard from my dad for almost a year and will probably never hear from him again...and i am feeling happier than ever. you think the word "twisted" kind of suits the situation?
whoa, you know what i hate? when you're talking to strangers (or almost strangers) on the net and they're pretty much telling you the story of their lives. and i hate it when they're so obviously depressed and all and expect you to say something nice and be all supportive. usually i'm ok at that. i'm ok at listening, i'm ok at giving some nice words...but lately i'm always kind of tired or bored or restless or just hyper and i so don't want to listen to people whine to me about things. i mean, it's ok if they're friends cos that's kinda my duty anyway and i guess it even matters to me what's happening with them (eww, shocking thought...) but seriously...a stranger? i'm not cold-hearted (yeah, damn, i know) but i mean...i'm not a helpline for angsty teenagers. the problem isn't even that they're telling me about their problems. i can live with that. i can just let them talk and i guess it's enough for them to know that i am reading what they write. but sometimes they expect me to say something but what do you say? once you've reached my age (i am 21, dammit...21...whoa, fuck off! but it sounds good to say pathetic things like that) you suddenly see things a bit clearer and it's so hard not to keep saying "yeah, it's just random teenage angst. it'll get better once you're older. it's part of growing up." i mean...i don't want them to think i'm not taking them serious but it really is all about that.
well, so that's what's been going on in my head now. and now i shall go and build a lovely house for my sims cos i had this funky idea last night. yes, i know i'm sad...
ps: ha. i went to the doc today cos i felt sick and i can stay home today and tomorrow and then it's only work on wednesday and friday and next week i have thursday and friday and monday off. ha!
robbie williams - hot fudge