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is this hello or goodbye?
2004-11-16
ha! another friendship ruined. or rather fallen apart. or...not even that. maybe it's just been replaced by indifference. does this make sense? maybe it does, but probably only to me. because it happens so often. i just never notice when things are falling apart. does anybody actually? just notice things are going wrong and just react to it, i mean? if i had noticed where this was going or had even taken two minutes to consciously think about it, i could have done something. i don't think i could have saved the "friendship". or even wanted to because when i look back, there isn't much i want back in my life. but i wouldn't be feeling so dumb for just letting it happen. it would have been so much better if i had just called it off. now it's just awkward.
and i think something else is coming to an end, as well. i guess i will be leaving the placebo forum. it's a fun place. most of the people are really nice. but it's too superficial for me. i don't know how close most of the people really are but i know i'm having "sweet and lovely insider conversations" with people i have never talked to privately. and it all just seems fake. but at the same time it seems like people are taking everything personally and it's hard to state an opinion without someone feeling offended by it. even if it is some trivial thing like "i don't enjoy listening to..." they act like they had been told whatever. i don't know, i think i just don't feel comfortable anymore. also, i constantly feel the urge to insult certain people. and it's not because i actually want to insult them but because i can't reach them to physically hurt them. i don't think this is any base i can build anything on, really. i have met some awesome people, though. and they will stay on my buddy list on msn. so i guess the forum is not really needed anymore. though i will miss it. i haven't spent much time there these past two weeks or something but i know as soon as i really leave, i'll miss it like a dead friend. i just really don't know what keeps me there anymore. apart from the fact that it is the only forum i still regularly visit and have conversations on. i still post on the tbi but that has become pathetic. and the AFI forums are mostly for me to get the information i need. maybe someone should come and quote jade. "log off and read a book" or whatever he was saying. true, true.
my chemical romance - the jetset life is gonna kill you