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maybe you should ignore this
2005-01-16
how come you always start taking everything personal when you're feeling bad anyway?
this whole job hunting issue is really killing me. i am self-conscious as it is and having the feeling that you need to prove yourself all the time and get rejected anyway isn't gonna make things better in this case.
currently it seems like everyone and everything is mocking me. i just read maja's entry and wanted to smack her just because...i know it's in no way connected to me and i know she would never write or say something like this to make me feel bad but currently, i want to murder everyone who is happy with their career choice and how it's going. which again makes me feel bad because i should feel happy for her.
and it seems like everything is mocking me. maja's success, tina's plans, customers at work coming in telling me about their success (or lack of)... even work made me feel bad. it was a great day. yeah, alright, working on a saturday can't be described as great but it wasn't so bad. only the nice co-workers were around, i had about a million nice customers and i sold more stuff than than ever before. additionally, i found my art of drowning-album back which i thought i had lost, the day was all sunny and nice and my mood in general was awesome. and it all led up to me thinking "hey, this is totally rad! i'll be unemployed in less than a week's time and NOW i'm having good days." you know, like, i haven't had a real good/successful day in
i've talked to annette a lot lately. she's like, the only person i can really talk to about this because she's in the same situation. but she's also the worst person to be around for me now. because it seems she's turning everything into a sort of competition. like, whenever i mention what i am doing to find a job and where i am looking, she tries to change the subject and it seems like she's doing it just so i won't find out what she's doing cos it COULD mean i would apply for the same jobs. which is bullshit because we're not even interested in the same jobs. like, i would never apply for something in retail which she is considering. and she just...i don't know, i think she doesn't understand that i am doubting myself and my qualifications. or maybe she does and feels the same but tries to ignore it. i just know that she talks like she is the queen and demands to be employed. which isn't so bad, i suppose as faith in yourself is important but i'm not like that and it all annoys me at the moment...like mostly everything else. i think i will just not talk to anybody until i find either a job or a solution. and if it takes months, then so be it. -.-
yesterday, i also had a go at tina, saying it was unfair that she would be given the chance to change the subject she wants to study again in a year. in the end, i don't even care who gets to change and what people are studying/working for. i'm just envious because i want to change everything all over again myself but know i won't ever get an easy way to do so. i could start another job training or even go to uni to study whatever but it all would mean another few years with very little money and another serious delay in moving out. OR giving up on other benefits like my car and stuff. so basically, i'm stuck with this profession which i hate.weeks months and now it finally happened but leads up to nothing at all.
AFI - morningstar