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sad entry
2003-12-15
i'm confused and tired and sick of it all, really. no, that came out wrong. i'm not really in a bad mood. nor am i down. i'm just feeling so many different things at the moment that i am not even know where to start analyzing them. maybe i shouldn't do it at all. maybe i should just let it all wash over me and see what happens. who knows, sometimes it's probably better just to feel whatever you're feeling without thinking too much of it...
i have nothing. no, i don't mean this in an "i'm such a poor little girl"-kind of way. i know i probably have a lot. i have great friends, loads of things to look forward to, enough money to spend on fun things, material stuff that makes me happy, blablabla...
i hate feeling like that. i know it's not gonna last. i know it's nothing serious. soon, possibly even tomorrow, i will be alright again. but right now i am just so terribly numb again and i hate it. the only real feeling i might feel is anger towards myself for not feeling anything...if that makes sense.
i am thinking about leaving a forum i've been visiting almost daily for about a year or longer now. the forum topic itself stopped having a meaning for me a while ago but i kept going there because i liked the people. now, though, i just feel like i don't even know them anyway. and i think it's probably better i just leave instead of starting to hate it and then have them hate me. in a way, i just can't relate to their problems anymore. or maybe i never could. maybe i've just been trying to make myself think that i could relate to them. maybe i did that to make myself feel like i was a part of them. but i'm not. i know that now. not because they exclude me. not because i exclude myself. i'm just not like them and they're not like me.
also, i feel betrayed by certain people. what with them giving out personal information and confidential stuff?! i think i shall just have to be more careful about what i tell people. maybe even stop giving out more information than i have to altogether. sadly, it's been done by exactly the same people who kept complaining about me being too mysterious. well, obviously they got enough details to go and spread around. i'm disgusted.
sometimes i wish i was in love. when you're in love, your whole world is circling around that seemingly big thing. even if it's unrequited love, it still is the only thing you think of. it might hurt and it might be really bad but at least it is just one thing. you can blame everything on it and you know that every little thing you feel is directly related to that. plus, there's always that special person. they are always on your mind, they are always with you...it must be very comforting.
but right now, it feels like there's absolutely nothing. nothing that can cheer me up. nothing that makes me smile. there are times when just a song or a picture or a small comment makes me smile. now, it's much to the opposite. i find myself watching comedy shows, looking at pictures from my favourite bands, talking to people i love...yet, nothing even gets the slightest smile out of me.
in a way in makes me sad. but in the same way as breaking up with someone you don't love anyway makes you sad. you get used to it and then it gets taken away and suddenly something in your daily schedule's missing. you think it hurts and you think you're emotionally missing it but you're not. once you find some other way of spending your time and finding other people to spend it with you don't miss it anymore.
zeromancer - famous last words