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the art of being happy
2004-08-15
strange. i just spent some time surfing around diaryland and visiting random diaries. one of them had that kind of layout that has several bits on the site like "likes", "dislikes" and stuff. so that girl (i think) had a bit that said "loves" and in that part she said she likes to be happy. first, i thought "doh, doesn't everyone?" but then i thought about it for a while. and i think i don't like it. it confuses me. i'm so used to feeling down and wallowing in self-pity that i have no idea what to do with myself when i'm happy. so i constantly look for things to complain about and make my life shit. i don't do it consciously but i notice how it happens again and again. and i get nervous when things seem to be fine for too long. i notice how i get paranoid and i just find myself waiting for something bad to happen.
i really really hope my ipod will arrive tomorrow. damn, i'm getting to impatient.
btw, after watching garfield today, i am now convinced that if i was a cat, i'd be him. i'm already leading his life except that i'm not a cat. and i'm not that much into lasagna. but the rest...yup, that's me.
i also do it physically. there's always something wrong with my body. if i have no little pain somewhere or no other problem, i do minor things like biting the inside of my cheek until it bleeds and burns. or a few days ago, i noticed how the nail of my right thumb was slighlty ripped in. it was really just a smal cut but i fiddled around with it and now about half the nail is ripped off but it's still kind of sticking to the skin underneath. it hurts because i can't stop touching it and bending it down and all. i bet it will be all inflamed and red and painful by tomorrow.
weezer - island in the sun