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singing the sorrow
2004-06-14
today i cried. in front of my mum. which is never a good idea but i couldn't help it. first, i intended to make a joke about how i could kill myself now without missing out on much but while i was saying it, i noticed how true it was. and yeah, my mum didn't seem to react at all. then she just went her usual "that's bullshit" like making fun of it all was gonna make it better. then, i just started bawling like an idiot and ran to my room saying i was going to bed. i cried for ages and then fell asleep. which was much needed as i didn't sleep at all last night. insomnia hit me and i just spent the entire night watching tv. so at least that's one thing to blame my little breakdown on.
it already started last night. i got so frustrated because my comp wouldn't burn a CD and then just turned itself off and wouldn't go on again. and i just can't afford a new one but the internet's probably the only thing keeping me alive, so i had a mini-breakdown then and actually hurt myself again. it's not so bad, though. i don't even think i did it consciously. due to a lack of better "tools" around i just dug my nails into my arm and scratched down. it started bleeding and looks really horrible now. but that's ok. i just told people my rabbit had scratched me with freshly cut claws. it looks a bit like that though it's never actually bled. it hurts, though. oh well...at the time it felt good. or not good but i didn't really notice i was doing it until i felt the pain and that got me out of my somewhat scary state.
i don't know...someone give me a job in england, so this will stop.
my mum just told me that she got a mail from torrid telling her my order has been shipped. kinda yay, though that's another sign of how desperate i am. me spending money on things i don't really need is always a sign of me trying to chear myself up.
when i got up again, we had a talk. i told her how i hate everything including myself. she tried her best to understand but she didn't. it's ok, though. i don't expect people to understand. there's always something people like about their lives and with me that's just not the case. sure, i like my friends and my music. but that's not things that will get me through the day. or at least not only that. i need things to look forward to, things that make me see why i'm digging my way through the pile of shit that is work. and right now, there is nothing. really only minor things like today we got told that we'll have thursday next week off for reasons i'll probably never understand and annette, melanie and me are planning to go to a theme park then. but that's really a minor thing. and next friday, we're gonna go visit alex in hospital together. but as i said...minor thing. it's just all so...dull. and surviving a few weeks without any highlights is ok if you like your job or have something else that's "not so bad".
grant lee buffalo - the whole shebang