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So need your love, so fuck you all
2006-05-14
Today was all about friendship. I realised (for about the hundredth time) that there really aren't many people I'd refer to as my friend. Basically, when I mention people, I always say "My friend said..." "My friend did..." etc. but I hardly ever mean it.
*sigh* I'm really not easy to deal with at the moment. I just wish people would understand and grant me that comparable short time off the track.
Today, I also wondered what friendship means to other people and what it really means to me. I couldn't come up with a sufficient answer to either of those questions. I just know that it certainly doesn't mean always agreeing on everything just for the sake of it. Not to me. Maybe I have the wrong idea. I don't know.
I know this is random and I know it won't make sense to a lot of people. Maybe it's one of those things that aren't for you if you don't understand them. Maybe if you don't understand any of this, you can consider yourself lucky.
Let's just say the past weekend will be filed under "way too emo for me to handle". The worst of all was most likely that I think I managed to piss off Mariam and Tina. If I'm completely honest, I had forgotten about them coming round until about Thursday or Friday. And for some reason, I then thought there was still plenty of time. At some point, I realised, there wasn't so much time but still thought Tuesday was the 15th. So, I was pretty thrown off the track when Tina announced the would be arriving today...and today announced they would be here tomorrow. I blame my confusion on the gig on Friday but that's not entirely sure. There are other things happening that just seem to disable me completely. At least when it comes to casualties like friends staying over or having meaningless conversations at work or anything like that.
I had to work on Saturday. B. kept telling me about this and that and who had problems with whom and why. At some point, I felt like I used to back at school. My vision started to blur and his face just became one with the room. His voice also became one with the noise of the radio and I started drowning in my emo daydreams. I felt so bad for it but right now I really just don't care anymore. I'm so sick of hearing about the petty little problems I'm not a part of. It's always the "Please don't tell anyone I told you about it" thing. And I know a simple talk between the people involved in it would help. And I really just want to go and tell them all and make them sit down at a table and have that talk. But I can't which makes me so mad. Why bother me with it if I'm not allowed to do anything? And why NOW? Apparently, the team has been having the same probs for about two years now. And they can't wait another fucking week until they explode? Admittedly, they don't know what's going on inside of me at the moment. Not that they would care or understand, of course. But unfortunately, that means I can't even blame them. On Saturday, B. mentioned that I seemed a little "out of it" at the moment. I was so tempted to tell him. But I really don't want things to become awkward. The problem with this obsession is that people have such a wrong picture of "fans". Whenever I try to make someone realise that this band *really* means something to me, they either don't get it or think I'm totally mad, complete with having a shrine at home and sacrificing animals and all. So it's definitely better to keep my mouth shut with the wrong people. It's not that it really matters to me if people know or not. But especially with co-workers it's so much easier when they know certain things. For example I'd know that B. would leave me alone with his rants for now. When S. was out of it for some reason, he also left her alone and told me he did it because he knew she was having a rough time. Problem is: S.'s problem was something "easy to justify".
AFI - Silver And Cold