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my fucked-up romance

2005-04-14


i feel guilty for never updating anymore. i think it's just a phase. i don't really know what to write about anyway. the only thing i really think about is work. and how unhappy it makes me. and how much i want to change my life. and how much i suck for not being able to. and i feel like i've written the same crap in here about a million times. i bore myself with it, so why bother boring anyone who might read this?

this sounds like i'm really miserable but i'm not. people who're talking to me probably think i'm all happy and fine. i'm not feeling bad or upset or gloomy. well, i have my sulky moments. but overall, i'm pretty fine. i joke around a lot at work. especially with k. he's an older dude but he has an awesome sense of humor. we both think the work and the company sucks but we use a lot of sarcasm to make light of the situation. so it's all pretty fine. it's hard to talk to most of the others as they're making their whole life depend on it all. maybe i'm naive because it's my first real job and maybe i'm in more danger of losing it than i think i am but i refuse to think about improving my sales skills all the time. or get all whiney when my stats aren't perfect or whatever. that's all the others are talking about. especially the other k. who's sitting next to me. i constantly feel her staring at me. and then she'll go like "you didn't offer this and that" or "oh, you didn't get them to use this and that option". it's unnerving. bitch!
by now, i'm really only working for the money. i thought i could at least have a little fun or find i really like some aspects. but i don't. yeah, i make fun of most parts of my job, i make it all sound like fun when i talk about it. and i guess i find most of the situations pretty funny afterwards but i hate actually having to talk to retards all the time and be their punching ball for everything that's wrong in their lives.
so yes, the only thing that makes me go there everyday is that one precious day at the end of every month when i check my bank account and it goes "bling bling" at me.

it's weird how i still feel exactly like i did when i was 16. back then, i was worried because i didn't know what i wanted to do and i kept telling myself how things would simply fall into place one day. nowadays, i still tell myself that but then i remember that i'm 22 and maybe i'll never find out what i want and if i do, i might just never get it. scary thought!

in other news...i don't get "lost". maybe it would help if i'd watch more than 5 minutes every now and then.
"desperate housewives" is funny but i don't really get the point either, will probably keep watching, though.
and i still haven't watched yesterdays episode of "sex and the city". well, i have probably watched it about a million times on dvd but i'm making a point of taping it every tuesday and watching it on tape again. just for the feeling of "yay, it's back".

i wish i had something interesting to write about. something totally exciting like "xy invited me to... but kf said i should ... with oi and i think we're taking ao and of along cos they're so hella sweet. and later, i'm totally gonna make out with al cos man, that dude has connections!" blah. unfortunately, you'll never get to read something like that from me because i think i don't even know that many people.

well, my personal little MSN stalker seems to be drunk. he just asked me to be his girlfriend. true romance!


the cure - cut here



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