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in and out

2005-03-14


wow, over a week without an entry. wouldn't it be sweet if i said i was way too busy to write one?! but unfortunately, i was just lazy and unmotivated. and still am, by the way, so don't expect too much.

i can't even say that a lot happened. i went to work, had the occasional ups and downs...
right now, i'm not fully convinced i'll still have a job by the end of this or next month. we keep getting different news. or rumours. until today, i was pretty much convinced they would chuck me out soon. today, i was doing pretty well, though, so i don't know. i'm also sick of thinking about that and i hate h. for even starting all those rumours. it may be that she just wanted to warn us but all it did for me was to scare me. i will have to wait and see.

on thursday, however, we got a luverly new coach/trainer/whatever. man, he's so sweet. i think i have a little crush on him. he's just so nice and cuddly and he has that amazing way of smiling and winking at you. *swoons* today, i had to work with our main programme in front of the group because we don't have our own access, yet, so one of us always has to do it with the main comp and the rest can watch what is being done. i was so nervous because at the same time, i had to pretend to be talking to a customer and i get so easily confused and nervous when loads of people are watching me. a., the trainer, played the customer. and afterwards, he was so sweet. he said "so, can you tell me what you were so nervous about, young lady? that was great!" *love* i nearly melted into a little puddle under the desk. oh god, am i talking all mushy about a guy? what happened there?

i also found my ex-crush's email address lately. or...i didn't exactly find it. it's always been there in my gmail address book. i just found it back and got all teary-eyed because i miss him. or...not him. i didn't even have a real crush on him as in thinking of him when he's not there and stuff. i just miss the whole old group. yes, i officially miss my ex-work. only in the way that people miss things that are over, though. i wouldn't want to go back and i know that, if i did, i would hate it again after a day. still, i hate it when one part of my life ends and another is about to begin. i know that's what life is like but i still hate the inbetween-feeling. right now, i don't even know if the new job really is a new start or if it will be just a short thing.

*sigh* this has become way too philosophical. i'm sorry. i've been thinking a lot lately. not even in a negative downer kind of way. i've been unusually happy, lately. not even getting up early really bothers me. not in the way that i find it depressing. and "i hate my life" has been on my mind a lot less than before. but i'm still thinking things over quite often. maybe a part of me has finally decided to grow up?! one thing i've realized lately, though, is that this definitely isn't what i want to do for a long time. i have to find a way to work in the music business. it's fine for a few days. i tell myself that my company's being all cool and fancy and i like being a part of it. but then something small happens like...i don't know, i watch an AFI video, i read someone's post on a message board or i watch mtv and i realise that that is where i want to be. not as the big rockstar, mind you, but these are the things i want to work with. i have no idea how to get there, though...

anyway, to get away from the repetitive (sp?) and fruitless thoughts...maja called me to let me know that she shall grace me with her presence over the easter weekend. yay. it made me happy because i need someone here right now and i take it as a sign that we're ok. despite me trying to play it down and not think about it, i was a little worried that the rather weird last days of the week i spent with her were somehow standing between us. i really hope things will be a lot better this time around.
as usual, however, now that she's coming up, there's nothing going on. no shows, no nothing. i shall have to see how we can entertain ourselves then. damn holidays!


trapt - when all is said and done



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