Home
Archives
Profile
Book
Notes
Mail
Cast
Misc
Rings
Host
no glue, no bag of tricks
2002-02-14
i doubt this will be a long entry. but i have to vent. not vent as in being angry now but rather sad...depressed...desperated...confused.
wow...so this got longer than i thought. but ppl are right when they say talking/writing about your problems helps. not that i was really feeling better now but at least writing here forced me to think about everything and to bring a certain structure into the mess in my mind.
stay beautiful!
see, today was a real nightmare. i knew the day would be going wrong when i overslept and even missed the later bus today. but i never thought it would get this bad!
see, we had this class dinner today (since we're in out trainee weeks and our teacher wanted to meet and all). i was already tired from work and didn't really wanna go but then decided i couldn't possible stay home. things started going wrong when i noticed i'd be late. somehow all traffic lights were red and in the end i was so pissed off i nearly killed a cat. well, finally in front of the restaurant i had to find a bloody parking lot so i drove round the carpark and actually ended up on the worst street i've ever been on. and i mean it...it was in such a bad shape it actually killed my left front tire! and hmm...nowadays you don't learn how to change tires anymore, nor do you learn what to do if that happens. so i started panicking. very very badly, actually. i called my mom and she said she couldn't do anything either because in 30 years this has never happened to her. she actually suggested to call my dad because he only lives a few streets away from where it happened. and since i was panicking so much i actually did that (hell, if someone had told me to jump off a bridge to make it better, i would have done so). but i only got my silly step mother on the phone who said my dad wasn't home and he'd be out by foot and couldn't help. she was pretty harsh and i immediately regretted calling there. i mean, i haven't seen them for over 2 months and now they'll say i only call when i want something. i already wished i had never told them. so i went to the next gas station but the bitch in the shop only told me to look for the boss who, of course, i couldn't find. but just when i was ready to give her a piece of my mind, my phone started ringing again and my mom told me my dad had been trying to call me and blah blah. and she was all like 'why did you go away from the car? why didn't you wait for your dad?' tho she herself had suggested to go to a gas station if my dad couldn't help. and since i was so desperated and she was being like that and basically i was all alone there and noone seemed to be willing to help, i freaked out completely. i started crying and yelling into the phone...all in front of everyone at the gas station (and it was crowded!). it was so embarrassing! but i was...well...completely freaked! i've never been that frightened before. ok, so what can happen in a rather large town with many people around and everything? but the whole situation seemed very scary because a) i was afraid of my dad's reaction and b) it is pretty frightening to find out that you're walking around the city and have hundreds of people around and noone's willing to do ANYTHING to help you, tho they can see that obviously i am NOT ok!
ok, i have to say the thing with my dad's far worse. i feel awful now. even now that i am home for over 3 hours already i could cry. not really about what happened today but about the whole situation between us. today really showed me how much he actually cares. after all that has happened he could have said i should find my own way to sort things out since it's not his problem. i haven't shown any care for him at all in the last few months and i feel more than guilty now. i always thought he didn't care and i always took that as an excuse to not care, either. but, jesus, was i wrong! he was just so lovely and so nice...he didn't even yell, didn't tell me what i had been doing wrong, nothing of that. he just came there and helped me as if it was the most natural thing in the world. and i guess to him, it really is. through all that has happened he still sees me as nothing but his daughter and he loves me. gawwd, i feel so bad! i said i'd visit them on tuesday but...how can i possibly go there? what can i say to actually thank him and to make him see that i understand what's going on now? i always thought it felt bad to think my dad didn't care about me but to find out that all the shit that's been going on was more or less my fault hurts like hell.
i guess i can say without a doubt that this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. not the thing with the tire, of course. i guess that happens to everyone at least once.
i am totally clueless how to go about this now. i mean...how could i even THINK he didn't care? hell, i sometimes even said i HATE him and i meant it. can someone please just shoot me? i don't think i deserve to live anymore. :(
i think i'll try to sleep now. most ppl on my contact lists seemed to sense i wouldn't be a good conversation partner tonite. or maybe they've had enough of my whining. i dunno and i don't care. *shrugs* i'm going to bed now!
:::liebling:::
-