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let's pretend...happy end
2003-01-13
why can't someone just come up to me and shoot me? it happens all the time to all sorts of innocent people. and here i am basically calling for someone to do it...and noone reacts. pah!
i'll drag my awful loathsome self offline now to do my homework. or maybe i'll listen to placebo. LOUD. to make those awful people out there hear what they're missing out on. *hissss*
instead people just decide to stomp over me. pretend i'm not here. pretend i don't matter. but probably they don't even have to pretend.
no, i am not bitter because of the gig or whatever. i stopped that. well, i'm still slightly annoyed but i don't really give a fuck anymore as i'll get enough chances to have my revenge. i *know* the time will come when people come sucking up to me for this and that and blablabla. we'll see then...
i am generally pissed off. by everyone any everything. the way i get run over all the time. i've never been a loud talker and so far i was ok with that because i don't like people who have to make their presence known all the time. they annoy me. i just wanna shut them up. so i was always ok with not being like that. recently, though, i wish i could make people see that i'm here. they never seem to notice. in RL and online.
yes, i am aware that i'm whining. but then again...who cares? it's not like anybody who's reading this was feeling anything, anyway. ok, maybe a very very small circle of people. but mostly, you guys probably read this to entertain yourselves. i can't imagine anyone actually thinking 'i wish i could help her' or 'i am happy for her' or just anything like that depending on which entry you're reading. and you know what? it's like that in RL, as well. so it doesn't matter. i can whine as much as i like. i just wish i had better ways to express it. i wish i could sing. i saw jj72's 'snow' on telly today (sorry, zyzyha, don't wanna steal your band ;) ) and i was like 'damn, i wish i could do that. i wish i could sing and scream and shout and basically let it all out. and then i want it to be shown on telly like this. and i want the world to see me and feel sorry for me and love me and feel that i'm hurting.' but nothing of that is gonna happen. i can't sing. and even IF i could, i'd probably give up on it too soon. i'm not very ambitious, unfortunately. or rather, my body isn't. my mind is constantly making up things i could do and want to do. but i am still sitting here. it's like a really good artistic mind is caught in this awful, ugly, lazy, talentless body. that really sucks.
another thing that made me think lately was robbie williams' biography. in it he said that he's constantly changing from almost arrogant to self-conscious. like...one moment he wants to tell everyone he doesn't deserve the awards he's receiving and the next he wants to ask why he isn't getting more. i'm like that. i look at people and think 'gawd, they're dumb idiots.' and then i think 'they're so much better than me'. i should really make up my mind about a lot of things. there's so much shit going on. i have to think about so much. but i just can't be bothered.
take maja's and my friendship. she constantly wants proofs that i luv her. and on the one hand i refuse. i don't want to prove it and i don't feel i should be made to prove it. but on the other hand i desperately want proofs, too. it's so twisted and i dunno how long i'll be able to bear own sick mind anymore. i'm sick of myself. i'm sick of my thoughts and my dreams and my habits and just everything. i'm especially sick of being so stubborn. tell me the sky is blue and i'll swear it's green with purple polka dots.
placebo - 36 degrees