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Give Me Envy, Give Me Malice, Give Me Your Attention!
2006-11-12
I hate how people constantly make me feel like I need to apologize for how much this band means to me. They're my life, my reason to exist, my everything. It might seem sad to some people, but that's how it is. I love them more than some people in my life. I pretty much owe them my life and everything that's good about it. They've given me so much. Some of my closest friends I've met through them. They made me think about important things. They've helped me find a way in life, get up when I thought just staying there lying on the ground would be the best idea.
How could I not love them forever for all this?
It just hurts when "friends" make it seem like I only have a little crush on Jade. Sure, I do. How could you not? But would I travel after the band, get my body covered in their name if this was about getting into a rockstar's pants? Come on, I can do better than that!
Honestly, people - I don't expect you to understand but please just *accept* me and who I am.
With that said, I'm going to the tattoo parlor to book another appointment tomorrow. Once again, I'm gonna get two AFI tattoos. Two smaller ones, even. But still, one of them has managed to cause a huge fuss already. Even though it doesn't even exist yet. People seem to think I'm stupid enough to rush into something. Yes, it's gonna be in a visible place. It'll be hard to figure out unless you look very hard, though. And even if I was getting a fucking skull tattooed right on my forehead, it'd still be something I had decided on after quite some thinking. I am not even gonna pretend it's all "just for myself". Yes, I do want to show my dedication. Yes, I like people to see my tats. If someone has a problem with it...they can just fuck off. Seriously, I've been fat pretty much since I was born. I'm used to people staring at me. It doesn't really make a difference if they have one more reason to do so. It's so hard for me to understand why people seem to have such a huge problem with it if it's not even their body that's being marked.
Anyway, enough of this rant now.
Last week was pretty good. I went to the My Chemical Romance gig with Tanja on Thursday. It was fun, better than expected. I'm just not that much into the band, really. Their music's awesome and I go through phases when I can't stop listening to them. But there's no real emotional dependency for me. So it was a good show with lots of drama, as expected. But nothing more. Admittedly, it was a tough job, being the first band after AFI. But in May, Taking Back Sunday proved that it was possible to impress me even then. MCR just didn't make it as much fun, I guess. It was fine, though. I got to spend time with Tanja again. We fangirled over AFI a little, we updated each other with what's going on in our lives...it was fun. There was also some hugging going on again which felt good after I missed her and everyone else so much after the AFI tour ended.
The next day, I wanted to go to bed early and just sleep, sleep, sleep. I was so tired because I hadn't had much sleep all week and I was still drained from the long day on Thursday. But Annette called me to tell me that "the meet-up with Melanie and Alex was today" and asked when I was coming. I was all "Wait! What? Meet-up? Today? What the hell...?" It turned out they had forgotten to inform me but still wanted me there. So anyway, after much back and forth, it turned out, Melanie and Alex had to cancel so Annette and me met up anyway and just spend some time having dinner and coffee together. We just talked and laughed a lot. It felt good after such a long time. Somehow, it also felt somewhat nice to be around someone not obsessed with AFI. It kind of got me back to the ground for a while. We definitely need to do stuff together more often. We already said we'd go to see a movie sometime soon. I wonder if we'll manage to hold true to our word. With work and all, life has become so stressful. Though that might not be the correct word. I'm not feeling stressed out at all. Work is quite lazy lately. And I spend most of the time having fun with my co-workers. But it still means being stuck at the office until at least 4:30 PM and that means meeting people like Annette who live further away is impossible on workdays. Also, with Tanja not working in retails, too, it means that most of my friends have shifts til 8 PM. It makes it all a little more difficult.
And then, Maja's visiting on Tuesday. Well, from Tuesday on. I wonder what that is gonna be like as things seem to be quite interesting between us lately. There's a lot of tiny things making it difficult but I think a good way to sum it up would be to say that she's trying to grow up as much as possible while I'm the opposite. I try with all I have to go back to being a teenager and staying that way forever. Maybe I'm wrong there but that's what it feels like. I'm turning 24 in less than 24h and I don't feel a day older than 17. Is that weird or what?
Panic! At the Disco - Time To Dance