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my neverending mysery
2002-10-12
i am seriously having issues. age issues. i mean, i am turning 20 in a month. that's the second time the big 0 will pop up in my life. that means in 10 years i'll be 30. i am not saying 30 is old. but i am not a 30-person. i am not even a 20-person. i wanna be 16 or 17. old enough to have a life and young enough to have other people be responsible for you. noone would give me strange looks for my obsessions. i could choose a style and stick to it without having to be "professional" or anything. 30 really seems pretty scary to me.
on a brighter note...we're going to see "insomnia" today. i'm not toooo keen on it as i've only seen the ads on telly so far but my mom really really wants to see it and she said the reviews are good and it's by the same director (or so) as "memento" so i expect it to be quite good.
yesterday night was a nightmare. i had prepared myself for a night in, watching "knight rider" and just doing nothing. especially because i have a sore throat since yesterday morning and i'm generally feeling sick and tired. but sabrina thought she had to force me into going out with her. she wanted to drag me to that oh-so-famous club here, "delta". but i refused to go there. ok, it is quite infamous by now and loads of people from other cities go there but among insiders (aka residents) it's also known to be shite and full of drug dealers and preps and trendies and fake people. so, i said we'd either go to "soundgarden" where they have at least a rockhall or nowhere which she was ok with. well, so i got ready and started accepting my misery. but, since we're so big party animals, we failed to notice that the club is only open on saturedays. ok, it has this HUGE banner above the entrance reading "open every saturday". and i've been there twice already and you can also read it if you pass the place which you have to do if you pass the train station with a car and i know that i've read it a million times but you just don't realise such things, do you? so, we were standing there in our *cough* party clothes (sabrina dressed up as a *vamp* in an attempt to suit my "rockhall style" - pornstar shirt and cord pants) and freezing our butts off. well, we then decided to have a drink at "st. louis" which is a cocktail bar which recently changed its name from "louisiana". but that was crap, too, cos i was there with a car and could only drink alcohol-free cocktails and it was too noisy to talk and the people around were too freaky. so, we ended up at a mcdonalds drive-in eating happy meals. at least, we got cool toys this time... o:)
well, i gotta get ready now. cross your fingers that the film will be good.
also, i'm pretty much depressed because i feel a certain future angst or whatever coming up. today, i thought of moving out again. for no particular reason. just because i am turning 20 and that should be a time to start thinking about such things. so, anyway, i then noticed how i just can't seem to see myself in the role of an independent person. i just can't imagine not living with my mom. you know, not being able to lean back and let things flow because i know there's someone who'll do my work, anyway. i'm also worrying way too much about my mom's life. i keep thinking that she'd become an alienated old woman. she hardly goes out nowadays. if she does it's because i encouraged her. and at least she has me to talk to now. but it doesn't bother her at all when i talk about moving out. so i shouldn't worry at all. but i do. not even in a "how dare she not miss me?"-way. ah, i dunno...
just the thought of actually having to take clothes on, get into the car and drive a mile to see and talk to my mom makes me shiver. well, and so does the thought of moving round the corner. i don't like this place enough to stay forever. yet i am scared of going away. *sigh*
but i find the thought quite soothing that these are the thoughts i have to have because moving on in life always means leaving something else behind and i guess i'm supposed to be feeling like this then.
and today, i feel even worse than yesterday health-wise. i woke up and thought i saw marilyn manson on a bad day in the mirror because my (black) make-up was smudged allover my face and my eyes were red and i am generally feeling crap. well, it's a little better now because i forced myself to stay up and watch tv and go out tonight. sometimes it's good to defeat your misery, i suppose.
foo fighters - all my life