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drugs would be appreciated
2003-03-12
haha. i feel loved. absolutely noone's online. ok, there are people online. ok, actually i guess net-wise there are millions of people online. but noone i'd like to talk to and vice versa. is anybody else actually as strange as me buddy list-wise? actually, they're packed. on each messenger i have at least 30 people on my list. but i only frequently talk to...well, 5 maybe. and i never really feel the urge to talk to the others. ok, i do wish i could quite often because i'd spend less time talking to myself. but it's more like 'i wish i had someone to talk to' and not 'i wish i could talk to them'. which i know i can't. it just never works out. i think it's because most people who are good on the conversation-front and easy-going and all don't spend that much time on the net. therefore mostly not-very-social people meet online and that's where the chaos starts. i dunno why, but with most people i never get beyond the 'where are you from? what do you for a living?' stuff. usually that's where you notice that the other person is the opposite of yourself and/or completely and utterly boring. not necessarily boring in general or as a person but conversation-wise. in a friendship/relationship you always have to come to the point where both parts start talking about things that the other doesn't want to hear about and that's alright because to a certain degree you just listen politely and all and that's ok. but when the very first conversation actually starts with such a situation it's a good sign that you should stop before you begin. so uh...yeah. this part of wisdom actually makes me back away from a lot of people. dunno if that's stupid but let's just see it as a fact now. and this fact mainly explains my current situation: alone. haha.
i actually had a lot to think about today. thanks to zyzha actually. she came up with all the gcse-stuff and all. so i heard about that institute that lets you study from home lately and ordered some brochures. no, actually i ordered them on sunday night and got them this morning. o.O i really wanna try to get my 'abitur' (highest education in germany) or that cambridge certificate for english thingie blah (haha). both sounds really cool. ok, the abitur would take more time (approx. 30 months and 15hrs a week of work) and cost a bit more but i think it would also be the better choice because the cambridge certificate only qualifies me for english. i just can't really decide wether i should do it. the point is that it kind of bothers me that i never got the abitur so far and i think except for maths and p.e. i can actually pass everything quite easily because i think i'm a smart girl. to be honest - i'm not trying to sound arrogant, so excuse me if i do - i think i'm too smart for the education i have now. and i also think i'll need to try and get it sooner or later anyway to get further in my job and all. so why not now? i think i should really think about it quite well before i decide. what worries me most is the long time. there are actually three different programs and i think i fit into no.3 because i have my 'mittlere reife' (sorry, there are no expressions in english) and it's not more than 5 years ago since i got it. and no. 3 is also the shortest program with 30 months. the other two are 36 and 42 months. but that's still 2.5 years. i am pretty motivated now but what will it be like in, say, a year or so? it would cost 123� per month. that's not that much considering that i don't actually need to spend much money on anything. ok, i do but i spend it on stuff like CDs and clothes and mostly because i have the money. it wouldn't be that hard for me to cut back on it. but if i decide i don't want to work for it anymore or fail or something it sucks ass because �123 for nothing is still quite a lot. argh. i hate making decisions. someone decide for me, please.
on a lighter note...i got 'the bitter end' today. the single i mean. and i hope you don't mind if i direct the next bit at placebo: guys, please, if 'daddy cool' is supposed to be serious, i'll have to...dunno, hurt you maybe. that's NOT funny. yes, ok, steve's part is because it fits his new italian pornostar-image quite well. but other than that it's bloody scary. if you play it live at any of the gigs i'm going to, i'll pull you off stage and use violence to make you stop. thank you.
but i guess i better go to bed now. i actually plan to get up earlier to go and get...maybe flowers or something for my mom because she goes there with me and i know how much she actually detests concerts and placebo. knowing me i'll probably sleep in anyway. which won't be that bad because then i'll just pick of some flowers on my way home from work on thursday. i don't think it matters wether she gets them before or after the gig. but still, i can try to motivate her BEFORE so she'll be happier and not so moody.
it's not really that bad but i'm excited as fuck and won't stop talking and since noone's there i am sending txt's to people who are probably asleep already. and i talk to myself. i do. all the time. and actually i do it quite often anyway but tonight i really fear my mom might hear me and put me in a strait-jacket. i mean, usually i just talk a bit but today i am really talking TO MYSELF. i mean, i ask questions and answer myself. not a good sign, people.
*giggles* yes, this was necessary. sometimes i wonder how they (and most bands i like in general) actually pick their cover versions. do they all have loads of those tv commercial compilation CDs of the best songs from the 60s/70s/80s and each time they want to do a cover someone has to close their eyes and point their finger at a random title on the tracklist? dodgy thing, baby!
oh oh oh, you know what else i got? the forever delayed photo book thing blah. manic street preachers, you know? so many pretty pictures. and not only pretty because the people in them are. but mitch ikeda really seems to be a great artist. and the guys' comments crack me up.
placebo - the bitter end