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So, I'm feeling much worse now
2006-12-11
It is 2 AM. I should really be in bed seeing as I told my mom to wake me up at 7 so she can clean my tat before work. No, actually I told her to wake me up when she's leaving which could also be 6 AM depending on when she manages to get out of bed. Hardcore.
So yes, obviously, I managed to get my new tattoo. On Dec 5. It turned out to only be one. The much-discussed-over one didn't happen because the tattoo artist said the body part(s) is was supposed to be on were difficult. While I have seen it with other people already and KNOW it is possible, I decided not to push the issue. If the artist has a problem with it, it probably means they have made bad experiences already. This could mean that they're probably not the right person for this. While they've done absolutely brilliant jobs on my other tats, of course. So, I got the heartbat + DF done on my back / lower neck. Click here for a pic. It's a pretty low-quality pic full of grossness as it was taken by my mom right after she took the plastic wrap off for the first time and she was still kind of squeakish around it so I decided to not torture her too much. She's got used to it by now but I'm still glad when she can finally stop taking care of it. She has a habit of pretty much bathing me in that cream. There's so much of it, my skin will never be able to suck it all in.
The past few weeks have been crazy at work. There's so much tension and bad mood in the air. People have been yelling at each other a lot and while they don't do it right in front of the others, it still leaves me feeling uncomfortable because we're sitting in this big room together and there's no way to have one-on-one interaction. This means that laughter and joking seems inappropriate even if you're not even part of the argument that had been going on earlier. It also seems like both parties are trying to drag you to their side. And I'm getting slightly paranoid because I'm completely neutral about it and I so don't want to be dragged into this. Yet, there seems not to be a single day passing without the occasional "So...did they mention me when you were alone this morning?" Yes, they fucking DID mention you but if you wanna know what they have to say, just bloody ask them, will you? Both sides have extremely good arguments for behaving like they are. But at the same time, both sides have completely crap ways of making themselves heard. In the name of peace and love, I tried to actually calm things down by taking every opportunity to talk some sense into them. Of course, by using my usual tactics of "Yes, you do make a point, but try seeing their POV for a second?" which I have learned during my many "Talking To Customers Pt. I - XXIV" courses. Surprisingly, it didn't turn out quite as well. Which is bound to happen when the person you're talking to is not even trying to let you finish a sentence before butting in. So I'm quite desperate now. And ready to give up. Just let them deal with it on their own. I just have a feeling that it is gonna end in blood and tears.
The most exciting news for this entry is probably that I've finally made the decision to make the next big step: I am gonna move out next year. The main issue that's been keeping me from doing so has always been money. Not the money for rent. I could easily afford some 2-3 room apartment in a fairly decent part of town. But if I move out, I need basically everything new. I need a bigger bed. I need a kitchen. I need any sort of living room furniture. I need kitchen apparel...everything!! Now my grandpa's left me enough money to afford all that and I'm gonna take this opportunity to finally do it. If everything stays as safe as it is right now, of course. If I find myself unemployed soon, I won't do it. But that's a thought I don't dwell on, really. Instead, I've been browsing related websites for days already and I'm getting more and more excited. There are lots of really pretty and affordable places around. I've only yet to make the decision where I'm gonna move to. I'd love to move to the small town my workplace is in. But that one's quite expensive rent-wise because it mostly consists of huge park areas and is generally �ber-pretty. So if I decide to move there, my new place is gonna be a lot "shabbier" than anything I could afford in my hometown. While I don't really like Duisburg all that much, there's one area in town that I really like and I've only today discovered that places there aren't actually expensive at all. But I'm not seriously looking yet anyway. First, I want to sort things out at work. Then I'm gonna wait for new AFI tourdates. I don't want to be moving house when they're here because that is just way too much stress for one person. And I'm not planning to move during the hot Summer months, either. So Fall is the most likely now. Maybe Spring if there are no tourdates for that time.
Speaking of tours...I've already made the first concert plans for next year. VNV Nation in March and Tiger Army in April. I've never seen either band in concert and both are quite an exception to what I usually listen to, so that is gonna be different and exciting.
So, nearing the end of what I have to say tonight, I think it's time to approach the subject I've been avoiding. As mentioned in my previous entry, things between Maja and me have been more than difficult. Since then, however, things rather got worse. It seemed all fine and then ended with me crashing to the ground as hard as it could be. We haven't spoken since her visit and at this point, I don't know if we're ever going to again. All I know for now is that I've rarely felt so so used and hurt before. While I'm not trying to make myself seem like a victim, it is hard to put yourself in any other position when you've not been given a chance to see your own mistakes. If that even makes sense to anyone but myself.
This time hurt and bled like a bitch! I didn't expect it to be all that bad but it was! I found myself whimpering for the first time. Weird. Doesn't matter. I already threatened to return for a new appointment in February.
Hunter Revenge - Out of Town
