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No, thanks

2005-11-10


I hatte my body and its strange needs. I was all tired and drained before so I went to bed before midnight. The plan was to zone out while watching TV. But I ended up watching a whole documentary on aliens and Roswell and Area 51 and whatnot, followed by Family Guy which wasn't even funny this time. Now I'm still awake. I switched off the TV but something's nagging me. I'm not sure what but it made me feel like writing another entry.
I had a scary feeling this morning. While I was lying in bed and trying to wake up for the appointment at the job agency, I felt like the old depression was coming back. Besides feeling useless and unwanted due to the unemployment and some friendship issues I was actually pretty fine lately. It still sucks but there are reasons which is a comfort in itself. I can pinpoint things that are making me feel the way I do. This morning, however, I just felt this...thing creeping up on me again and I'm afraid that it'll swallow me again. It's happened so often already and I'm scared of it. It's hard to explain. I'm reading Prozac Nation at the moment, in which Elizabeth Wurtzel describes the feeling as "the black wave". Although I think comparing myself to her would be a long shot and awfully cliché, I still like that description and can relate to it pretty well.
It was only a very short moment this morning, though. And it's entirely possible that it was just caused by me getting too little sleep and my upcoming birthday and all the drama in my and other people's life. I really hope so because I've been pretty depressed aroubd this time last year and the year before and though I'm not a festivity person, it would be nice to not be crying on my birthday and/or Christmas for once.

Speaking of my birthday: Ivy made me all warm and fuzzy inside today because she told me how she had planned to send me a surprise present. The only reason she had to spill the beans already was because she wasn't sure about my vacation and whether I'd still get it even if it takes longer to be delivered and all. That's so sweet. Yeah, I sent her something but I never expect something in return. I'm just always all teary-eyed when people do think of me anyway. I don't even care if they give/send me something or just send wishes. <3 of course, that only counts for people that aren't completely careless throughout the year. And that case, birthday wishes just seem ridiculous and almost offensive.

Anyway, since I mentioned today's appointment already... It went pretty alright. I am sure the chick's slightly schizo, though. Her whole attitude and behaviour seemed to change completely while we were talking. It only lasted for about 10 minutes but during that time she managed to change from cold, arrogant and berating to sweet, understanding and supportive. Better than the other way around, I guess. But still scary. She told me she'd forget about me missing the appointment but just this once. I'll also be allowed to go on my vacation. Yay. I'll have to fill out some form to prove I sent out a lot of applications, though. But that's alright. I'll just have to start sending out even more now. Actually, my current number would be sufficient, I suppose, but I want them to think I'm über-good so they'll get offof my back for a while. So I guess, for the next few weeks, I'll also send applications to companies I know I don't stand a chance with...just for the hell of it.

Wow, I think I might be sufficiently tired to sleep now...so I will just do that. One last thing though: ONEHUNDREDANDNINETEEN EUROS FOR STANDING TICKETS FOR ROBBIE WILLIAM'S TOUR NEXT YEAR? MADNESS!!! For the first time ever since 1993 (god old TT days!) I think I'll say "No, thanks". And from what I heard, I won't be the only one. I think, this time, people will be mooning Robbie instead of vice versa. But holy fuck! 119€! Or 149€ even since I'd want seating tickets. That's...at least 5-7 times AFI next year...


AFI - Miseria Cantare



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