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No, thanks
2005-11-10
I hatte my body and its strange needs. I was all tired and drained
before so I went to bed before midnight. The plan was to zone out while
watching TV. But I ended up watching a whole documentary on aliens and
Roswell and Area 51 and whatnot, followed by Family Guy which wasn't
even funny this time. Now I'm still awake. I switched off the TV but
something's nagging me. I'm not sure what but it made me feel like
writing another entry.
Speaking of my birthday: Ivy made me all warm and fuzzy inside today
because she told me how she had planned to send me a surprise present.
The only reason she had to spill the beans already was because she
wasn't sure about my vacation and whether I'd still get it even if it
takes longer to be delivered and all. That's so sweet. Yeah, I sent her
something but I never expect something in return. I'm just always all
teary-eyed when people do think of me anyway. I don't even care if they
give/send me something or just send wishes. <3 of course, that only
counts for people that aren't completely careless throughout the year.
And that case, birthday wishes just seem ridiculous and almost
offensive.
Anyway, since I mentioned today's appointment already... It went pretty
alright. I am sure the chick's slightly schizo, though. Her whole
attitude and behaviour seemed to change completely while we were
talking. It only lasted for about 10 minutes but during that time she
managed to change from cold, arrogant and berating to sweet,
understanding and supportive. Better than the other way around, I guess.
But still scary. She told me she'd forget about me missing the
appointment but just this once. I'll also be allowed to go on my
vacation. Yay. I'll have to fill out some form to prove I sent out a lot
of applications, though. But that's alright. I'll just have to start
sending out even more now. Actually, my current number would be
sufficient, I suppose, but I want them to think I'm über-good so
they'll get offof my back for a while. So I guess, for the next few
weeks, I'll also send applications to companies I know I don't stand a
chance with...just for the hell of it.
Wow, I think I might be sufficiently tired to sleep now...so I will just
do that. One last thing though: ONEHUNDREDANDNINETEEN EUROS FOR STANDING
TICKETS FOR ROBBIE WILLIAM'S TOUR NEXT YEAR? MADNESS!!! For the first
time ever since 1993 (god old TT days!) I think I'll say "No, thanks".
And from what I heard, I won't be the only one. I think, this time,
people will be mooning Robbie instead of vice versa. But holy fuck!
119€! Or 149€ even since I'd want seating tickets. That's...at least
5-7 times AFI next year...
I had a scary feeling this morning. While I was lying in bed and trying
to wake up for the appointment at the job agency, I felt like the old
depression was coming back. Besides feeling useless and unwanted due to
the unemployment and some friendship issues I was actually pretty fine
lately. It still sucks but there are reasons which is a comfort in
itself. I can pinpoint things that are making me feel the way I do. This
morning, however, I just felt this...thing creeping up on me
again and I'm afraid that it'll swallow me again. It's happened so often
already and I'm scared of it. It's hard to explain. I'm reading
Prozac Nation at the moment, in which Elizabeth Wurtzel describes
the feeling as "the black wave". Although I think comparing myself to
her would be a long shot and awfully cliché, I still like that
description and can relate to it pretty well.
It was only a very short moment this morning, though. And it's entirely
possible that it was just caused by me getting too little sleep and my
upcoming birthday and all the drama in my and other people's life. I
really hope so because I've been pretty depressed aroubd this time last
year and the year before and though I'm not a festivity person, it would
be nice to not be crying on my birthday and/or Christmas for once.
AFI - Miseria Cantare