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better yet?
2003-06-11
i think my feelings are coming back. at least i was insanely happy when my mom gave me today's mail. i got one of the 'this picture' singles (finally got a proper version of 'where is my mind?' now), a hello kitty bag AND my 2nd homework. it was history and i got a B- which is amazing considering i didn't care about the subject and though i read everything and completed the practice tasks i had no clue what they wanted from me in that assignment.
also, i am confused but also quite touched by maja's comments about me. i dunno...when she told me i wouldn't like her entry while i was at work i thought of all sorts of crap but i didn't expect the entry to be actually quite sweet. the problem is that i have no idea how to react to it. it's true, i don't really want to talk about what i feel like...or not feel like. i talked to tina a bit because it's easier with her. we hardly ever have really deep conversations so it doesn't require much thinking about it from my site. i think if i'd really think about what it looks like inside of me, i'd lose my last bits of sanity. on the other hand i don't want maja to think i am mad at her. it's true that we had some arguments and it's true that i yelled at her but me being like this now has hardly anything to do with what happened between us. at least i don't think so. as i am not angry. also i feel a little guilty for her missing lifehouse. though i refuse to take the full blame for this. i mean, she mainly decided not to go. i would have liked to see them but can live without it so...dunno. but that's not the point.
but hey, my digicam is working. mom took it to a shop today to get it properly installed on my lappy and now i can go round and take pictures. so far i have only put up some stuff on ebay and will probably put up some more tomorrow or so. and i have saved the few placebo/brian pics i have to my comp now. it's really not much considering that i went to so many gigs but oh well. as my mom said to cheer me up when my cam refused to work "it's the memory that counts". at the moment i don't even miss the band themselves (ok, that was a lie, i do miss them like hell but that's not the worst thing now) but the feeling of more gigs coming up. i know i'm not the queen of gigs now and i know other people go to way more but, dunno...it had become such a constant thing in my plans that i am missing it now.
also, i made a new layout for deep-obsession and i'm damn proud of myself as i think it's pretty. it looks a bit like this one here but the text area is smaller and the colours are blue-ish and the piccy is steve (though you don't recognise him at first sight). i like it. but i'll stick with this one as i love the pic so much and...dunno...it's just MINE.
tomorrow is gonna suck so much. and friday even more. today was bad enough already. alex and melanie are sick and annette left earlier to go to her old shop to get her results from the practical work. and currently we're both mainly talking to each other. well, we're not isolating ourselves but today i once again noticed how i just CAN'T have a normal talk with the others in my group. i find their subjects boring and they probably think the same about me. and tomorrow annette will leave even earlier and melanie and alex still won't be there. so i'll mainly die of boredom for the last...5 or so hours. and on friday it'll be our last proper day at the training center for about a year so we'll have this huge breakfast together with the other groups, whom i HATE (but you know that). it'll be annette's practical driving test tomorrow, though, so i'll keep all body parts crossed for her.
anyway, i'll go sleep now. or maybe not. maybe if i'll be dead tired tomorrow it'll be easiert to put up with the cunts...
i guess i'll call later. or write an e-mail. or something. calling would suck as i need sleep and i'm sure i'd turn things into a crappy conversation one way or another. especially with me trying to avoid the obvious subject. it's probably very selfish. but i am feeling ok at the moment. and though i know it's wrong i'd like not to think about the past few days for now.
talking about being creative...i also wrote a story today. i was pretty bored and a little down at work so i decided to vent and wrote this 'pretty' little story. constantly afraid of someone looking over my shoulder as i don't really want my boss to know i am writing stories about suicide and stuff.
caesars - sort it out