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i'm about to break
2004-02-11
i went to my grandpa's flat today to get a pizza from the freezer. and it felt so strange. i had hardly been up there since my grandma died and never alone. it was so quiet. i even felt a little scared. i'm not sure what of, though. i don't know whether i believe in ghosts and even if i do, i don't quite think she's floating around there somewhere. or maybe she is but not like one of those shite shadows on tv.
also, my mum has been mentioning my dad quite often lately. i wish she wouldn't do that. i can't say i'm fully over the whole thing with him but her mentioning him isn't exactly helping the matter. she also said that she'll mention me and give him a good rant if she ever meets him in town or wherever else. but i don't want her to do that, either. in fact, i wish he would forget about me (if he hasn't already) and i could forget about him, too. but that won't be possible if my mum keeps bitching about him. how he should have paid more. how his wife is manipulating him. how he never cared. how he fucked things up. i know all that. i don't need her to remind me of all the things he's done that show me how little he actually cares. but no, she has to point them out all the time.
anyway, we'll write an english exam tomorrow and i think i'll go to study now. i know it's just english but i wanna study the correct form of business letters to be absolutely sure that i'll get an A this time.
i think i was more afraid of my own feelings. i never really thought about her death or something. i cried, yes. but that was pretty much it. her death was the first i ever experienced, though, so i have no idea whether i should be expecting more. maybe i don't need one of those big feelings to finish the whole thing and properly say goodbye.
i half-expected something like that to happen, though. and i never knew i was feeling like that, but when i entered the flat today i suddenly realised that i had been avoiding going up there for ages. my mum often asked me to go there to get something for her or help my grandpa with something. i always found excuses, though. and i never realised that it was because i was afraid of going there. today i realised it, though.
so yeah...i kept wandering around for a minute or so but then i left because it was all so creepy. it wasn't like being alone at other places. like...when i'm alone at home or when i was alone at maja's place it was quiet, too, and there was no one else around, either. but it always felt like a bit of the people who were there before was still lingering there. my grandpa's flat, however, felt completely dead. like nothing had been alive there for weeks. though he does live there and some of his things were lying around. but still...i don't know. it made me feel sorry for him because he has to live there and feel like that all the time.
linkin park - one step closer