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leave blank, if you're not sure
2004-02-10
why can't things ever be easy? why can't they just work out? and why do i have to feel hurt all the time?
i don't know what's wrong. i don't know why i'm feeling the way i am. maybe nothing's wrong and i'm imagining things? or maybe everything's wrong and i'm imagining that it used to be ok?
i remember a while back i wrote here that i was feeling numb and that i'd prefer any feeling to that. well, i was wrong. i'd much rather not feel anything at all anymore for the rest of my life instead of ever feeling like this again.
really, i have no idea. i don't know what to think about myself, my friends, my life. i don't know what to do to be happy. i don't know what i want, so i don't know how to get it, either. i don't know who i want to be with and who i need and what they should do. i want them to be nice and treat me right but at the same time, i want them to hurt me because i'm sick and tired of hurting myself. and when they hurt me, i feel lost and sad but at the same time, i silently thank them for doing it to me.
maybe i need someone to kick my arse. but maybe i don't need that at all. maybe there isn't any way to help me out of this. maybe i can only help myself. or maybe not even that is possible. i really don't know.
shakespeare sisters - hello