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i'm not O fuckin' K
2004-11-09
yes, i survived the first exam. it was only english, so i'm not seriously worried about failing. but i still found it quite disturbing because it was a lot harder than i expected it to be. and no one really prepared us for it. we felt totally on the safe side since we had been doing trial exams for weeks. and apparently, the tasks we had been using used to be proper exam tasks, too. yet, it never really seemed that difficult to me at school. of course, a lot of it was due to me being all nervous and stuff. but i still think that some of the things weren't fair. for example we had to fill out a fax form but there were no numbers given and the fax was in response to an email. so the possibilities would have been to use the email addresses instead OR make up some fax numbers. usually, it says something like "add the missing details yourself" which it didn't. i think if i had to do it now, i just wouldn't worry and do what i think seems best. but since that was an important exam, it kind of freaked me out and made me look through the papers over and over again for 10 minutes because i couldn't believe it.
and most of all it made me really very nervous about the following exams. this was english. this was supposed to be easy. so how are the other things gonna go then? it's also showing in my behaviour with school and stuff already. today, i got up earlier to actually do some homework because i was too tired last night when i remembered it. and it school today i nearly threw a tantrum. i missed some lessons of the hardest subject (for me). accountancy. horrible. so, i couldn't solve some of the problems given. but actually, it was just ONE formula that was missing. so i asked annette and she just kept being all weird. like "you SHOULD know". so i just stopped talking to her for most of the day. i don't really need that. she was annoying the fuck out of me anyway. alex was waiting for a call from the people who are probably gonna give her a job all day. the final decision was made yesterday and they promised to call today. so she was all nervous and excited and annette had nothing better to do than to be all like "oh, why is nobody calling ME? why am i not getting any confirmations?" blah. though it's kind of fun to see how she's torturing herself because for once she's not the big star. she's not the tidiest, most careful, most clever person. ok, usually, alex gets the prize anyway because her marks are twice as good as annette's but she hardly ever really gets any credit because she's so quiet and all. but her being the first to actually get a job is something that can't be ignored and you can actually see how it's nagging on annette.
another thing that sucked yesterday was the fact that those who can't finish the apprenticeship earlier were taking this exam, too. this again meant that my ex-"crush" was there as well as my new "crush". and since we all always finished the tasks pretty early, i often found myself stuck in the lounge with them. i don't think i've ever gone to the restrooms that often in such a short period of time before. they have no idea i (used to) like them and they will never know, either. in fact i think i might be putting my self defence-arrogance-mode on each time i get to talk to them, so they probably think i'm a bitch. which is good. better than the truth anyway.
on another, not at all serious note i have re-discovered my love for lipgloss. how could i forget about this magic substance from heaven?! i've been using it a lot lately and i think it might be the cause of me dying soon because i usually remember that i could put some on when i'm driving. not a good thing to do but at least i'll have pretty shiny lips when i die...
btw...could anyone explain to me why it is that i can give maja loads of completely reasonable and mature reasons why going to new york isn't a good idea at the moment, tell francis in an all grown-up way why leaving school wouldn't be good now and basically be a reasonable mommy for all sorts of people when i don't even manage to lead my own goddamn life and do the things i should do to keep me out of trouble? you can't? well, i can't explain it, either. i know that it has to do with looking at things objectively and this isn't possible with your own life. but sometimes it seems i'm not even able to think straight when it is about my own life. quite funny, really.
i really shouldn't be talking like this. she's still my friend and i love her. i do. i just can't stand this side of her and there's no way of telling her. i tried bringing it up because i'm not the only one who thinks she should cut it down a little. but she didn't even get it when i tried to approach the subject. it's obvious, she doesn't think she's overdoing it. so there's not really a point in discussing it. so i am basically just living with that side of her but i do enjoy it when things happen that make her see that this attitude might not get her very far. hey, you can't say i'm that much of a bitch. i'm not making those things happen. i'm just watching them happen.
slut - universal