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everlasting nothingness
2003-06-09
i'm feeling a little better. little being the keyword here. i am still gonna stick to my own 'rules', though.
currently, i think i am sympathising with tina as i am feeling as numb as she keeps describing her own feelings in her diary. it's like there's nothing left for me to feel. i am not sad, not angry, just nothing. everything seems pointless. it's like feeling anything is a waste of time. and it is. because no one cares, anyway. people tell you they care but they never really do. how could they? or even if they do what does it help? ooohh...people care about me. hooray. but i am still here in this crappy place so ner.
i am deeply sorry for susie because of what she told me this afternoon. i don't want to 'betray' her and write down what it was now but i never knew it was that bad and i just hope she'll find a way to get better.
right now i just want my mom to go to bed so i can watch you know what. not even because of some naive thought of that making me feel better or so but just because i can concentrate on that and continue feeling numb.
i painted my nails black again today. so pretty. should have done it a long time ago. sometimes i just need that. need to look like the fucked up little girl that i am.
i'll go and do something productive now. maybe study. as i am feeling like this anyway i doubt being bored will bother me much anyway.
another friend of mine txt'ed me today for the first time after quite a while and told me she hadn't been in contact because she had been in hospital because she was suicidal. that really shocked me because out of all people i know she would have been one of the people i expected least to be like that. she always seems so happy and smile.
what a fucked up world. so many unhappy people, so much pain.
manics - life becoming a landslide