Home Archives Profile Book Notes Mail Cast Misc Rings Host



knackered and naughty

2002-04-09


ok, well, as you can see, i'm still alive. not that that was a surprise. someone once told me that people who are very very serious about ending their lives never 'warn' others before they do it. so, i guess as long as you can read stuff like that here, i'm ok.
i'm feeling a bit better which is not surprising, either because it's only 5.30pm and i've always been feeling better at daytime, lately. last nite was really weird. i was feeling a lot better and i talked to mariam and she said i should maybe get professional help. and since she's been there, before, she gave me some advise on the whole thing. i don't think she actually realised how much she helped me just by being there. i don't think i realised, either. but, as soon as i had switched the off button of my comp and was sitting in the dark, it all came back again. i just felt like crying, which is actually did for like half an hour until i fell asleep. i really dunno what's wrong with me. i already mentioned that i've been having mental probs for a while but i've never been such a wimp and stuff. and i seem to completely depend on what's going on around me. as long as i have someone to talk to or something to do, i'm ok. but as soon as i switch the comp or the tv or my playstation off, i kinda break down. it's not even because i'm thinking of my problems or anything. it just starts by itself. *sigh*
but i don't wanna think or write about that, anymore. it seems to be a permanent thing for now and until i haven't 100% decided what to do, there's not much more i can say. probably, i'm gonna go and get help, soon. but before that i have to talk to my mom about it. not because i need her to allow me to do it (i'm 19, dammit!!!) but she has no idea how i'm feeling and i wanna talk things through with her...finally. i just need to find the right moment for that. the problem is that i'm feeling better at daytime and i'm always like 'yeah, well, let's see if it's getting better, now. if not, i can still tell her' oh well...

on a brighter note (and that's what this diary DESPERATELY needs, now) i got a new sims add-on. it's called 'vacation island' (or so) and, as the name says, my sims can go on holiday, now :) and the greatest thing about it is that they can buy an icebear-fur-carpet. now. it's basically like the tiger and bear ones but on this one they can kiss and cuddle and roll around on and make out. aww... but somehow, brian and stef are still refusing to adopt a baby. i sent them to the beach and let them have loads of fun (brian particularly loved the throw-a-chicken-game ) and the next day, i let them stay off work and they shagged all day long and everywhere in the house. in the end, they even had more than 100 love points (which i always thought was impossible) but, still, there are no babies. pff!
other good news include eskobar playing the rheinkultur festival, this summer. the best thing is that it's free and that i can probably go there without spending any money. but i dunno, yet. i like eskobar a lot but the rest of the line-up is crap. ok, so it's free but still...there are some bands that have to pay ME if they wanted me to see them. hehe.

gawd, do you know how hard it is to think of anything interesting to write here while you're moms running around you with her vacuum-cleaner? i swear, she only does it to annoy me (paranoia, eh?) she never does that on weekdays. but if i complain now she'll only say that i obviously don't know how important that work is because i never do it in my room. hell, no, i haven't done it much, lately, but only because my carpet's alright and i don't see why i should do it 5 times a week, then. and she's not THAT clean, either. she just has her moments. today, she spontaneously decided to get the car washed. so she paid �5 for a handwash at the garage and now, it's probably gonna rain tonight or tomorrow.
school was alright, today. i had 7 lessons but til 4pm cos it started at 10am. but it was ok. didn't seem that long. but we wrote an economics exam and i hadn't studied. blah. but i knew everything, anyway. but i didn't have a calculator and the bastard didn't want to allow me to use my mobile. so, i couldn't calculate all the percentages and stuff. i was thinking about just writing 'sorry, i can't give an exact answer because you wouldn't allow me to use my mobile. try calculating with such huge numbers without a calculator, BASTARD!' but then i kinda let go of that idea because my teacher's a real wanker and would have killed me or done something worse. i'd probably do it with some of my other teachers but not that one. but during the study lesson i could torture my other teacher which kind of calmed me down, a little. we were only 5 people (the others had all 'disappered') and he wanted to play a game. while he was reading out the task, we just annoyed the hell out of him. he wanted us to write down out name and we were like 'why? what do you want to do with the results? are you from the FBI? is this gonna get us in trouble?' and then i wrote 'pocahontas' as my name. but he then started reading the real task and said we had to imagine being in a space-team which had landed on the moon, so 'pocahontas' wasn't appropriate, anymore and i changed my name into E.T. and it went on like that. i ended up annoying him for the rest of the lesson by constantly asking him if it is cold on the moon because if it was i'd have to change my list because then a heating was more important than a pistol (we were supposed to imagine that we landed 300km away from the place we wanted to land and now we had to go there by foot and we had to decide which things in the spaceship were most important for us to survive and make a list from 1-15) i think he hates me now. yeah, i was feeling a little bitchy, today. and he wasn't the only one to get to feel it. jenny, too. *evil laughter* but, hey, she had a whole day of 'her moments', today. for example there was this postwoman and she was walking back and forth in the schoolyard for a while and sabrina and i already commented on her because we were wondering why she was walking around for so long instead of just bringing the parcel into the office. well, about 10 minutes later, jenny went like 'euw, look, that chick looks like a postwoman' let's face it: the girl's a genius!
btw, i have a new fave word: poser! and boy, do i use that often! there are just so many peeps around me that can be considered posers. hehe.

anyway, i'll stop here, now. i have to try and get away from the tv which has the funeral of queen mum on each channel. yeah, it IS sad but please...she won't become alive, again, if you show it 24/7!!!

stay beautiful!
:::liebling:::

ps: to all the diaryring owners whose links don't show up properly: SORRY! i just noticed myself and i'm gonna fix it as soon as possible :)


-



Previous - Next