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Apologies
2005-11-07
Today should just be filed under "crap". Entirely. It didn't start so
bad with some sign of life from Maja and a notification
that my first ever parcel had arrived at a packing station. If you know
me at all, you know geeky stuff like that can make me wet my panties in
so many ways.
But then things went downhill from there...the packing station was
broken, I wasted a fortune on calling their hotline from my cell, still
no job news, no new AFI things and the cherry on top: trouble with Maja
and minor disagreements with others as well. I'm hating this so much at
the moment. I mean, everybody's giving me shit for one thing or another.
What do y'all want from me, dammit? Yeah, dealing with me isn't easy at
the moment. Try being me for a change. Try having to deal with
this 24/7 without being able to hit "disconnect". I am not fine.
And I am not going to pretend for you, I'm sorry. And yes, being
superficial and lame and spending hours solving stupid little mysteries
created by a rock band is my way of dealing with it right now. Because
this is my reality for now and I do not have the power to change
it. Because you know what? I am enjoying the lack of meaning. Everything
else is such a big drama. Being unemployed and broke and lonely and
everything. I have to deal with this a lot. Going to appointments and
interviews. Proving things to people I shouldn't have to prove anything
to. Putting up an act for said people's amusement. All this is draining
me, ok? So as soon as I get off that stage I've been pushed onto against
my will, all I want is to just sit on my fucking arse and indulge myself
in what's so blissfully meaningless yet means the world to me right now.
I'm sorry. I apologize for trying to...live.
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