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yes

2002-04-08

i'm sorry, i wasn't planning to update that soon, again. but i really need to talk. well, i would need to talk but it's almost 5am and i don't have the guts to call anyone right now. not that there'd be many people for me to call, anyway. i'm in really bad shape, right now, and i need to...just do something to distract myself a little. i don't know what's wrong. how am i supposed to know that, anyway? i've had problems with depression and stuff in the past. i never had serious help, though, and, as it is when you tell noone but a few selected friends i also have nothing to prove it. just, how cheap sounds that? as if anyone would give you something like a certificate. 'congrats, you're manic depressive!' or 'wow! you have several mental illnesses. you're so amazing!' haha. but...you know what i mean. if i'd tell my teacher or whoever about it, they'd ask for a proof or something and if i said i couldn't prove it, they'd think it's a cheap excuse. not that that mattered, now. as i said, i'm just trying to distract myself. the problem is that i've been feeling fine for about half a year, now. but tonight, something changed. or, i can't even say that cause nothing happened. i went to bed around 2am and i was feeling really good. i had talked and joked around with mariam and then just went to bed. but i couldn't sleep which was awful. i've been scared of going to bed, lately, anyway. because then i have time to think and all those awful thoughts come to me and i have to think things through and realise how much i've fucked up, again. but usually, i fall asleep fairly quickly. but this time, i was lying awake for ages and around 4am, i decided to get up and go online. i was just intending to surf around a bit. but then, i noticed how sad and lonely the net is when you have absolutely noone to talk to. so i went to the bsh which probably wasn't the best idea. it's just not a very happy place. you meet a lot of people who are depressed themselves or just people who have an awful attitude and hate everyone and everything. so, if there are no really good placebo news, it's not a good place to cheer up. i don't even need to try ASG now cause most users are european or british or american which means they're asleep, now. fuck, i really need someone to talk to. i'm feeling terrible. physically and mentally. i just can't take it, anymore. in, like 2 hours, i have to get ready for school and then it all starts again. i'll have to explain to my teacher why i haven't found an apprenticeship, yet, and why i didn't take the damn test to go to school for another year and why i wasn't at school the last day before the holidays. all i'm ever doing is apologizing and justifying and explaining. people can never just take me as i am and accept things as they are and then help me with the few things i have. or, at least, very few people do. and i luv them for it. but what does it help me if my friends accept me as i am? they're not the people in charge. of course, they give me a lot of strength. but how long will it last? how far will it take me? right now, i just wish i won't even see the sun coming up in a few hours.
somehow, the thought of ending it here and now doesn't even really scare me. it kinda seems like a logical action. i have no plans for the future, so maybe that means there is no future for me. maybe i'm not meant to live long enough to finish an apprenticeship and get a real job and make my dreams and plans come true. (which sounds cheap, considering that there are no plans to come true. *sad laugh*) i don't even know if my current depression has anything to do with my future plans. i don't think so. well, partly. i think life itself is too much for me. maybe some people just aren't made to live. at least not longer than through childhood. childhood's nice. things are so simple, then. and everything in the world seems to pretty to you. and there are always people like your parents or other people who you worship and they're just amazing. they can do everything and they'll always be there to help you and they never make any mistakes, except maybe making you eat spinach or taking your lollipop away. but even such actions can be justified by saying they're only doing it because it's for your best. then, you grow up and realise that nobody's perfect and there are mistakes you can make that not even your parents will be able (or willing) to fix anymore. and i think that was the point when i should have stopped. everything that came after that one moment of realisation just fucked me up more and more. the world started to scare me and i myself scared me, too. i noticed that there are many people to help me but noone could fix everything and usually the help people were willing to offer was more than limited. and, somehow, i always managed to make the biggest mistakes possible. the ones noone could fix, anymore. and, even though, i can't blame this on anyone but myself, i think i am allowed to complain about everything, a little. i mean, it's not fair to blame everything on me, either. noone's born depressed. and noone gets depressed because of the happy and shine world around them. there must have been some mistakes made by others in my life, too. i mean, how come my marks sucked so much at my old school? how come i was scared of school for so long? and even if that can't be blamed on teachers or classmates...how come noone ever noticed how fucked up i am and tried to get me outta it? did they honestly expect a 14 y.o. to say 'help, i am scared of school and i am depressed and i wanna die and that's why my marks suck, so, please, send me to a psychiatrist' or what? i think, i can happily blame this on everyone in my life. that they just ignored any problems i might have. and that they never ever tried to really offer me the help i needed. i know that, after a certain time, i should have gone and asked for help, myself. so, hey, all you fuckers. now you can lean back in your chair and just enjoy the fact that it's not your fault that i'm such a big fuck-up. and if i slit my wrists tonight, it's not your fault, either.
gawd, i hate myself. i don't want to be myself, anymore. the fact that i'm writing this bloody entry is pissing me off even more. i guess some people are gonna worry about me. and then they ask me about it, again. but by then i'm gonna be fine again (if i'm still alive by then) or...probably not fine but, knowing ickle me, i'll probably say how great i'm feeling. because at that moment i'll really feel quite alright because of something nice happening or so. and i'll tell them that they don't need to worry. which will give them the completely wrong impression of what's going on inside me. and all just because i'm scared of really openly and honestly telling them how i feel. i dunno when i lost the ability of pouring my heart out to someone. no, that's another lie. i know exactly, when it happened. it happened when my ex broke up with me. ok, WE broke up but it doesn't make much difference, now. i always told him everything. i laughed with him, i cried with him, i made plans with him. i forgot everything else around me. and then everything started going wrong and i was completely alone. my best friend had more or less left me and he was gone, too. i had absolutely noone to talk to. noone i could trust because the two people i trusted more than myself had left me. and, somehow, i then promised myself, never to fully trust anyone, anymore. or, i didn't really promise myself. it wasn't so much a decision as just...something that happened. i didn't even realise back then. i only recently discovered that the last time i let someone see what's really going on inside me, was with him. i didn't even know that the break-up had had such a big impact on my life. because i kinda overplayed any kind of emotion when it happened. just a few days after it had happened, i had a date with a guy i knew from the net and we even shagged. and it went on like that. i acted to completely cool that i even convinced myself that i didn't really care about what happened.
now, i realise what a huge mistake it was. i am totally unable to pour my heart out, now. even the thought of it, scares me to death.
well, i can't think of anything more to write here, now. there isn't much i could say about it, anymore. there's nothing, i could say to really explain or justify how i'm feeling. if i knew, i'd maybe be able to cheer myself up. but i'm not, so what do you expect? i'm going offline, now. maybe i'll try to sleep a few minutes before school (and there's no way around it, this time :( )
oh wait, i've just found something that kind of expresses a little how i feel even though they meant it a bit different when they wrote it. it's a song called 'yes' by the manic street preachers...

You can buy her, you can buy her
This one's here, this one's here, this one's here and this one's here
Ev'rything's for sale

For sale? dumb cunt's same dumb questions
Oh virgins? listen, all virgins are liars honey
And I don't know what I'm scared of or what I even enjoy
Dulling, get money, but nothing turns out like you want it to

And in these plagued streets of pity you can buy anything
For $200 anyone can conceive a God on video
He's a boy, you want a girl so tear off his cock
Tie his hair in bunches, fuck him, call him Rita if you want

I eat and I dress and I wash and I still can say thank you
Puking - shaking - sinking I still stand for old ladies
Can't shout, can't scream, hurt myself to get pain out

I 'T' them, 24:7, all year long
Purgatory's circle, drowning here, someone will always say yes
Funny place for the social, for the insects to start caring
Just an ambulance at the bottom of a cliff

In these plagued streets of pity you can by anything
For $200 anyone can conceive a God on video
He's a boy, you want a girl so tear off his cock
Tie his hair in bunches, fuck him, call him Rita if you want, if you want

I eat and I dress and I wash and I can still say thank you
Puking - shaking - sinking I still stand for old ladies
Can't shout, can't scream, I hurt myself to get pain out

Power produces desire, the weak have none
There's no lust in this coma even for a fifty
Solitude, solitude, the 11th commandment

The only certain thing that is left about me
There is no part of my body that has not been used
Pity or pain, to show displeasure's shame
Everyone I've loved or hated always seems to leave

And in these plagued streets of pity you can buy anything
For $200 anyone can conceive a God on video
He's a boy, you want a girl so tear off his cock
Tie his hair in bunches, fuck him, call him Rita if you want, if you want

Power produces desire, the weak have none
There's no lust in this coma even for a fifty
Solitude, solitude, the 11th commandment

Don't hurt, just obey, lie down, do as they say
May as well be heaven this hell, smells the same
These sunless afternoons I can't find myself

Two dollars for everything
Three dollars ...?...
Five dollars ...?...

stay beautiful!
:::liebling:::

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