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"but i depend on you" she said and broke down...

2004-11-07


i think know i'm too dependant. on other people mostly. in the worst sense possible. i rely on them to do things for me and pull me through when i can't come up with the energy myself. for example i can't even begin to count the times i asked annette to copy her notes for me or mail me her work or whatever. i do it all the time. without thinking and without the ability of controlling it. usually, i don't even notice i'm doing it. because i'm so wrapped up in being miserable and depressed that i actually think it has to be that way. and maybe that's true. maybe it comes with the job description of being my friend that you sort of have to pull me through. and vice versa. it's just that my friends hardly ever ask favours of me. or at least it stands in no comparison to the numerous times i'm doing it. and even though i'm putting myself in this position, i'm sick of them being on their knees for me. it's weird. i should hate myself for making them do it, yet i'm angry at them for being like it. like, they apologize all the time. all the freaking time. for taking too long with something for example. yes, i am impatient. so what? it is MY problem. they should be pissed of at ME for giving them dirty looks when they're looking around a shop for 20 minutes without coming to any conclusion. yet, what do they do? they apologize. they fucking apologize. just...don't.
and it's been like that all my life. people have always sort of...worshipped me in that strange way. when i was ickle, all it took to get what i wanted was a sad face. and even after buying me all that stuff, my whole family would still be on their knees, hating themselves for even trying not to buy it for me.
so i think i'm a pretty selfish and egocentric bitch now. don't get me wrong...i think if people actually started disobeying and -agreeing, i would probably shit myself at first. but i really think that that is what i need. and it's not only about that...aspect of it being a lesson. i also want it out of a purely selfish reason: it's getting boring. it really is. where is the point? there is no fun if people immediately go searching for the mistakes they have made.

i'm not making sense tonight, am i? this is one of those entries where i have so many things in my head and they all make sense to me but there's no way of explaining it all to anyone because it's really pretty twisted.

apart from that i decided to finally get down to the serious studying. it's less than 20 days til the worst part of my finals and i need to get at least enough into my head to pass. i don't expect to beat them all. i just don't wanna fail. so i shall do loads of example tasks tomorrow and read my way through topics i don't have a clue about yet. so hopefully my brain will sort it all out for itself and decide to make me smart enough to get it all. at least until the finals are over. i don't mind if i forget about it all immediately afterwards. *sigh* i'm even sort of afraid of monday. the first exam. ok, it's only english but this is where my ego comes in and i say i wanna get a perfect result. during the trial exams at school, i almost always got 0 mistakes. so please please please don't let me fuck it up. but the pressure's so high because, without sounding arrogant, the level of my classmate is loads lower than mine, so it was kind of obvious. i always finished the tasks way earlier than them. so by now it's more or less a running gag. them asking me how i managed to become so good at it, my teacher making random comments on the speed of my work, them grinning at me when i was waiting for them to finish their work...shit like that. so it would be REALLY embarrassing if i fuck it up now. gah. i've never been good at dealing with pressure.

oh, whatever...i'll go rest now so i'll manage to pull through with my awesome plans for tomorrow. yeah, i bet i'll only get one page done again or something. if i manage anything at all that is. i'm such a lazy and sad creature...

ps: whoooooooooooooooooooooo, 10,000 visitors! heh. i'm flattered. <3


my chemical romance - cemetery drive



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