Home Archives Profile Book Notes Mail Cast Misc Rings Host



lost and confused

2004-09-06


i've been wanting to update since...well, forever. but with maja here, i just never got around to it. i started an entry but then decided it was crap and dumped it. then i wanted to write something yesterday but somehow couldn't come up with the energy. today, i feel even worse but i've been neglecting this diary for so long now and there are some things i would like to get off my chest, so i decided to update now anyway.

so, the weekend was fun. we went to two gigs (taking back sunday and new found glory), had...uh...dunch (dinner/lunch) before thursday's gig and did some other random things.
i think maja was walking on clouds after the taking back sunday gig. i, however, didn't talk much about it. i really enjoyed it, i'm just not sure why exactly and what exactly i was feeling. we were in the first row and the show was really good, the sound was tight and the performance quite energetic. so, in total, it was pretty much the perfect gig. but all the time, i couldn't help but think how much i want to see AFI and how much i wished it was davey standing right in front of me (and yeah, i had the singer about 1m away from me quite a few times). sometimes, i even closed my eyes and imagined it. and during one of the songs, the title being "new american classic" (or so i was told by my personal tbs-professional :p ) i even started weeping uncontrollably. it just sucked so much. i was crying like an idiot. for all that i've lost and for all that i'll never have. not just because of the lack of AFI-ness in my life but just in general. it seemed like the worst depression ever. i felt totally stupid and hope that no one saw me.
after the gig, on our way home in the car, maja said that it had been special because she had felt understood by the band. and it kinda dawned on me that that is exactly what makes AFI so special to me and what has been missing with placebo all the time. don't get me wrong, they still share the pole position and i love them to bits but it's mainly their...talent that i appreciate. it's how well-educated they seem and how opinionated they come across. and i like how they combine it with the perfect show. but on the personal-level we're just lacking similarities. i can hardly ever relate to the guys. we lead completely different lives. i admire their sex, drugs & rock n roll image and i know now that i've tried to live a bit like that for a while but i know i'll never succeed. i'm not saying i'm exactly like any of the AFI guys. but i can relate to them much more. not even about anything specific like (most of) them being straight edge and blah. they just come across dorky sometimes or clumsy and a little lost or whatever but they don't seem to mind. they just...are. and i think that's much more of a good lesson for me personally than placebo could give me. and i can relate to a lot of their lyrics much better and...dunno.
i'm just really really dying to see them live. i don't think i've ever been so anxious to go to any gig. ok, i've never had to wait for so long, either. i saw placebo shortly after really getting into them and before that i mainly liked bands in a comparably...superficial way, so the waiting was still killing me (as i'm the most impatient person i know) but i wasn't exactly ready bite the walls because i was so frustrated. and that's totally the case now. i'm gonna wait until they release the new album next year. and then i'll give them THREE months to come up with any european tour plans and after that i shall make my own plans of going to stalk them in the USA. and i hope i'll be able to afford it. *sigh*

uhm...yeah, so anyway, quick change of subject. well, kinda. i also got my tattoo. it says "a fire inside" on my right wrist, just as planned. i think i still have the pic uploaded here in case anyone's interested. i'm totally in love with it and it's weird how i've already started seeking comfort in it. like "this is me and this is my kind of reminding myself of how i feel and who i am". it's kind of hard to explain but i think it doesn't need to be explained, either, because it's enough for me to know what and how much it means to me. today, the stupid bitches at school looked at it one of them (the dumbest btw) was like "why did you get THAT tattoo'ed?" for a moment, i thought about explaining it but then thought there was no point in that, so i was just like "because i wanted to" and grinned to myself because i was also wearing a shirt that read AFI and they could have made a connection if there were any working brain cells involved.

anyway, so now i'm paying for the weekend's fun as i'm sick. i have a sore throat, a headache, i feel dizzy...it's horrible. and i'm doing my best to avoid going to see a doc. i'm drinking litre after litre of tea and swallowing my medicine than should be healthy. but if it goes on like this, i think i shall be either dead or unable to move by the weekend.

i think i shall go to bed now. but not without telling everyone to buy slut's new album. cos everyone of you should do just that right now.


slut - staggered and torn



Previous - Next