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oh, brian molko *claps hysterically*

2002-07-05


this won't be a long entry at all because of my paranoia. i'm at my mom's comp and it's crap and i am pretty sure it's gonna screw up after i've written about 10 paragraphs.
this, however, isn't too bad because nothing too exciting happened, today. i went to school to get the details about the exam. my teacher calculated the whole stuff for me again and it turned out that i'll only get an A if i get an A in the exam, too. everything between B and E will give me a B and if i decide not to show up at all (which i was tempted to do) i'd get a C. that pisses me off even more because no matter what i do (except from not going) will give me the same result because no way in hell am i gonna make an A because i suck at oral tests. blaaah. (no pun intended but the day was alright, anyway, because i saw sabrina again and seeing my friends is always a good thing. ok, i could have called her and we could have gone out or something but...oh well. logic isn't exactly my kind of thing.

then, i went and picked my mom up and we bought something to drink and i made her buy a huge bottle of vodka and some ingredients for a nice self-made cocktail which isn't as nice as the ones you get down at the "louisiana" but cheaper. sooo, i'm feeling all happy and warm now because it was scarily long since i last drank something. it's a shame, though, because i only drank one glass and can't go on because the stuff was so sweet and it got slightly sickening and i can't drink pure alcohol unless i am pissed already. aww...

nevermind, actually the day was great because i got to watch brian on telly, again. *sigh* ok, he still looks dorky with his strange hair-cut and the fact that my mom was watching, too, and making stupid comments about it didn't help much, either. but...oh well, better than nothing. my mom said he looked like spock from enterprise. *whines* the problem is that she does have a point there. i told her to shut up and that it was all about the music which only proved her point that i was pissed off so she went on. but i shut her up by studying his make-up and giving her a detailed description of how it must have been done and how clever he was for making it seem like there was no make-up at all. haha. her problem is that i have more experience in analyzing mr molko, so she just can't win.
now, the video tape is sent off to a very nice girl from the SR forum, though, who's gonna make herself a copy and then send it back to me together with a cd-r with the promo videos i'm still missing. hopefully. but i don't think she's an evil person (which is probably the reason why i'm sending it to her).

i should probably apologize to maja right now because i talked to her on the phone earlier and then said i was going to bed. this must seem pretty sick to her now because i am writing this entry, now. well, the explanation is simple: i woke up again and couldn't sleep anymore. sooo, i went to have a drink (go me! ) and decided that, since i am up, anyway, i could give my lovely "fans" a little update on my oh-so-exciting life. so, i am sitting here listening to my last good self-made CD (except for the cebo live one which is in the car ) which has such cool stuff as culture club, andreas johnson aaaand silverchair on it. well, ok, actually it is basically a silverchair album with shirt "commercial" breaks. which sucks because i could aswell listen to a silverchair album if i wanted that. *whines some more*

i saw something really disturbing on telly, today (no, not brian's hair! *giggles*) there was a girl who had attempted suicide and her mom who had found her and "saved" her. and the mother was accusing her daughter of ripping the family apart and basically being a bad daughter for doing that and she made it sound like suicide was a crime (which it is...i think...technically). and i got like sooo mad at that. i am, people are always preaching about how free we are and all but we're never REALLY free. we can't even decide when we want to stop and i find that very upsetting. i mean, ok, i understand that we can't all do EVERYTHING we like because i know they'd be some dead people around me. but we should at least be able to decide when we don't want to go on anymore. ok, of course, life might get better and stuff but i think the people who want to kill themselves know that but just don't wanna go through hell anymore to reach that. this, however, hasn't much to do with any personal feelings. i just want myself to be at least free enough to make basics decisions like that. as i mentioned previously (i believe) i don't want to kill myself, anymore. actually, i reckoned i never really wanted it. i didn't wanna go on, either. i think what mainly depressed me wasn't that i had realised that life sucked but that my pride and the pressure from outside wouldn't allow me to go on, so suicide kinda felt like the only possible escape because i don't have enough money to go anywhere. sure, when i get really depressed, i just wanna kill myself because of that depression but that hasn't really much to do with how i really feel and what i have on my mind. it's just a "for the moment" feeling. and i'm ok with that. well, as ok as you can be if you know that you've been *very* close to not being here anymore because of that.
ah, however, i feel a lot better now. probably, i've had long rants about the same subject before but i haven't had one for a while and it was on my mind for some time and i had to get it off my chest.

oops! this entry got a LOT longer than i had planned it to be. but you probably know that by now. hehe. i apologize, though. okies, i'm off to bed now. no matter how much (or less) alcohol i drink, it never fails to send me to sleep. yey.


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