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Cold in life's throes
2005-10-14
I guess the last entry was one of the gloomiest I've ever written and I
suppose anyone who reads it and doesn't know me thinks I'm a pretty sad
and lonely person. Maybe it's the truth in that which makes me think
it's one of the best entries so far. And I think after some 500+ entries
I'm allowed to take a little look over my shoulder and make judgements
like that. I did not regret writing it, by the way. In fact, I felt even
worse the next morning and felt like writing even more but decided
against it. Instead I stayed in bed and read something I shouldn't have
read. I can't tell you what it was because that would be embarrassing
and it's not of importance anyway. What's important is that because of
the beauty and the sadness of it, I found myself crying like an idiot
for ages. Which then led to me crying for myself and everything that's
wrong in my life. I wanted to cry out of so many reasons and yet, I
wouldn't be able what exactly it was that kept me in bed until the sun
went down again, weeping and bawling and sobbing like a schoolgirl who
only just got her heart crushed by her first love. It just wouldn't stop
and when my Mom got home, I had to fight hard to hide it from her.
Despite having those break-downs almost frequently now, I am still
embarrassed because I know people always expect answers to their big
"Why?" questions. And I know I'll never be able to provide them. Though
I still find myself looking for reasons every now and then, too. It's
easier than just accepting things the way they are.
Another reason to feel filthy is that yesterday, for the first time in
my entire life, I had to ask my Granpa for money. Sure, he's bought me a
car (two, actually) and paid for lots of other things already but it was
always a case of him offering and me accepting. I've never had to ask
anyone for money and I really hope I won't ever have to do it again. I
had to, though, or we would have had to cancel the vacation. There's
still a chance that we might have to do so, though. I have another job
interview on Monday and I'm pretty confident that I'll get it. The only
thing is: they only pay 950 € in the first three months and
afterwards, I'll get extra-money depending on how fast I work or
whatever. The only reason I even agreed to go to the interview was that
the guy told me they had call center AND back office jobs and didn't
pull back when I told him I was definitely not gonna take a call center
job. Well, that and the fact that even 950 € is more than 360 €. And
more work will lead to less thinking.
But it's not entirely bad that I still hope to find a simple answer.
Right now for example I'm after the one that has always been the most
obvious: self-loathing and an undying hate for my own body. In this
case, it actually led me to a gym. Yes, we really did it. We went there
on Wednesday to check it out. We had some dude show us around and ended
up signing a 1 year-contract. It might not sound like the smartest idea
but in the end, something has to happen. And in order for me to lose as
nuch weight as I'm hoping to lose, I'll have to visit the place
regularly for way longer than a year. And I'm hoping that the pressure
of having to pay some 20 € per month will finally be something that
works. We're also planning to join courses there but we'll have to see
first. I'm a bit nervous because we'll go there for the first actual
workout tomorrow. I'm all set up with a huge bottle of Evian and freshly
cleaned sweatpants. I hope I won't collapse after the first minute on
the treadmill...
AFI - Hard Rock Live Performance