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it's final
2002-08-05
fuck. i really need to talk. i can't call my friends, tho, because i can't stop crying and they wouldn't understand a single word i'm saying. and i hate talking on the phone while i'm crying. but noone's online. well, noone i'd like to talk to now...or let's say noone who i want to bother now.
i mean, ok, i still think it's better for her and everything but i'm still sad. in a way it is a good feeling because it's just pure sadness. usually when i'm sad it's mixed with bitterness or anger or whatever. now, there's nothing left to feel but sadness and that's quite a new thing. i've never been confronted with death. well, ok, my rabbit died and that was pretty bad cos i really considered him a friend. but...i dunno, sometimes animals are worth more than humans but i think with humans you love it's different.
i guess i'm better going off now. nah, but i'll stop writing here. i feel a little better. not that this entry would change anything but i'm glad i got it out. i guess i'm gonna go and do some happy posting on some boards. i'm pretty good at pretending i'm happy, you know...
my grandma is dying. my mom called me at 12pm today and asked if i wanted to go to the hospital. stupid as i am, i said she should pick me up and we'd go there. but as soon as we reached the floor my grandma was on, we saw my grandpa who said she'd probably die today and there's nothing the doctors could do. then, they went in there and i wanted to follow but i could see her lying there half-dead and i just started crying and told my mom i couldn't do this. so i went outside and texted maja and a few other people but obviously they had no time or didn't hear their mobiles or whatever. which was actually good because if they had called me i'd have broken down on the phone and all those people around would have seen me. i got about a million strange looks anyway. bloody hell, that's a hospital. people are dying in there. it's NORMAL to see someone cry there and you should show a little more respect and not stare like an idiot!!!
after a while my mom came out and gave me her keys so i could leave. but she had the house keys upstairs so i had to go up again with her. of course, i waited outside the room, but my mom told me the priest was in and everything and that caused another break-down because that really means it's final and everything.
i just feel so weak and helpless now. i should have gone in there to see her again but i couldn't. i want to remember her as my lovely grandma and not that dying body. and i should give a little comfort to my mom and my grandpa. instead, i'm just crying like an idiot and not talking at all unless i want to protest when someone mentions that i should go in there.
but then again...there's nothing for me to do anyway. what could i really do now? there is nothing. she'll die and that's the end. i'm not even really sad because of that because, as i said, i understand that it's better for her. i'm more sad because of the consequences. in what way it is gonna change my life...and those of the people around me. my grandpa pretty much loses his reason to live. he always lived for her...to care for her. i dunno what's gonna happen once she's gone. and what about my mom? she seems so strong and i guess she's also kinda glad that it's finally over. but there must be some sadness inside her and i'm afraid she'll have a break-down if she keeps it inside for too long. i wouldn't know what to do anyway.
i'm also a little pissed off at my uncle. my mom called him but he only said she should call again with each news she can get. but i think he should move his fucking arse here. i mean, bloody hell, his mother is dying. he's never been here anyway so he can at least come here now. and there's no excuse like i have...he has to go in there. he knows what dying people are like. he works in a hospital and he's seen loads of people die. i mean, gawd...
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