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getting worse
2004-05-05
i don't know what to do anymore. i don't know who to trust anymore. everything just feels wrong. i feel insecure about everything most of the time. it feels like i've gone back in time. way back to when i started this apprenticeship. i thought i had changed, know i KNEW i had changed. there was still a lot about my life that i didn't like but it wasn't so bad. i felt much better about myself. i was less depressed. i was able to look at things from a more positive POV and if that just wasn't possible, i'd use sarcasm.
and you know what? the fucking car-person didn't call, so i don't even have that to look forward to.
now i'm right back to being miserable again. i start to cry at completely random times and occasions. i spend ages just staring into space, thinking about all the things that went wrong in my life. i freak out about completely nothing. and the worst thing is...i have seriously started considering suicide again. i haven't even thought of it at all in ages. only in an ironic way. now it's back in my mind. i find myself thinking about it more and more often lately. in the serious kind of way. i think everybody thinks about death and suicide every now and then but more in a matter-of-fact kind of way. usually, it's related to some newspaper article or something. well, it's not like that with me. the "if all else fails..."-thought is back. i used to think of suicide as some last resort-thing. this, of course, also means that i'll think about the details already, so the actions can be taken when needed. it's completely insane. whenever something goes wrong or i'm feeling bad, i think of the possibilities. poisonous stuff in the house? mum at home? knife in the kitchen? anything that's worth living for coming up within the next few days? all that stuff. it scares me.
and i can't even talk about it with anyone because right now, i just don't trust anyone anymore. i don't know who is trustworthy anymore. and apart from that, i wouldn't know what to tell them anyway. people always ask what's wrong when they're trying to help. well, nothing's wrong. what do they want to hear? i have no problems. well, no obvious problems. or not many at least. so what am i supposed to say?
right, fuck y'all!
afi - the leaving song part II