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It may have worked but at what price
2005-12-04
Wow, I thought I'd manage to write something earlier. And the sad truth is that I was simply too lazy. Though I've been wanting to write forever. Even in Lanzarote I kept thinking about it since we had net access there. Quite expensive but fast and reliable. But I figured writing something surrounded by my mom and other tourists wasn't the best idea.
Anyway, first things first. I found this...hell knows where and thought it was good as a little pre-recap of the year which can serve as my finishing this year off in case I don't get around to write something proper at the end of this month:
1) Was 2005 a good year for you?
2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
4) Where were you when 2005 began?
5) Who were you with?
6) Where will you be when 2005 ends?
7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005?
9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2006?
10) Did you fall in love in 2005?
11) If yes, with who?
12) If yes, do they know?
13) Are you still in love with them?
14) Do regret it?
15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?
16) Did you make any new friends in 2005?
17) Who are your favorite new friends?
18) What was your favorite month of 2005?
19) Did you travel outside of your country in 2005?
20) How many different states did you travel to in 2005?
21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005?
22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005?
24) What was your favorite song from 2005?
25) What was your favorite album of 2005?
26) How many concerts did you see in 2005?
27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005?
28) did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005?
29) did you do a lot of drugs in 2005?
30) How many people did you sleep with in 2005?
31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
32) What was the biggest lie you told in 2005?
33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?
34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?
35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?
36) How much money did you spend in 2005?
37) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
38) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change it, what would it be?
39) What are your plans for 2006?
Yup, that was that. Glad we got this outta the way.
The vacation was great and very relaxing. Though slightly uneventful. I had a major anxiety attack one day and so spent it at the hotel all day. I was grateful for my Mom not enquiring about it further but I gave her the headache-excuse anyway.
After we got back home after THIRTEEN hours of travelling from one place to another, I checked my mailbox and had a message telling me about a job interview on Friday, so I went there. I was really looking forward to it and it ended up sucking a lot. As soon as I got there, I just wanted to leave again. It felt completely wrong. I can't even pinpoint anything. I told my Mom I didn't like the people which is true to some extent. The women in the office I'd be working in really couldn't be more different from myself. But that wasn't really it. It was the first impression anyway and couldn't be enough to ruin it all. The interview itself with the boss also wasn't that bad. It just wasn't right. They also sad I'd have to go to Frankfurt for a week in order to learn how to handle their software. That managed to kill the last bits of enthusiasm I could have felt.
Hmm, I think that was all I wanted to write about today. There's so much more I could write about like Take That being back together and AFI having a single out soon and all. Maybe give an update on the friends situation. But all that isn't really in my head at the moment and I think I've written what I wanted to write now.
It had its ups and downs. The pessimist in me wants to say it was crap which is what it says every year. But the sad truth is that it was really just blah.
Oh dear...uhm...it sounds paradox but driving home from the emergency room with Maja after we had spent half the night there without any result at all was kinda amusing. Yeah, she was still in pain and all and I bet it wasn't all sugar for her but I kinda felt...dunno...weirdly content right then.
Basically the whole up and down with Maja this year. We always have it but this year, it all seemed so difficult.
At home...in front of the comp, I guess.
My Mom, probably.
see 4). Haha. Hm.
See 5)
I don't even remember if I had any...probably not. Don't believe in them.
Nope. Except from the usual that isn't even a resolution.
Haha. No.
...
...
...
...
STOP ASKING QUESTIONS THAT CAN ONLY BE ANSWERED IF THE INITIAL Q WAS ANSWERED WITH "YES"!!!
No
Yes!
I love them both.
November.
Yes
Two
No.
Yes.
Corpse Bride
My Chemical Romance - Helena
Mark Owen - How The Mighty Fall
Uhm...6 including Mark Owen next week.
Surprisingly, The All-American Rejects cos Maja and moi had such fun there.
No...close to zero, I think.
None
Haha. None.
Yeah, I've been a cunt to some people.
I don't think there were any big ones. And if there had been, I'd not write them down here.
Dunno.
See above.
I felt like it but dunno...
Too much considering that I don't have a lot really.
Asking my grandpa to pay for my vacation.
I don't believe in such things
Stalk AFI, go to a TT gig, see Placebo again, meet Maja A LOT to make up for this year, go to London, find a job, get another tattoo...
So typical of me to start with the bad stuff.
But actually, the rest of the week was just splendid. Yet slightly weird to run around in a T-shirt with 27�C in November and with the Christmas decoration all over the place. I was sitting out in the sun at some caf� at some sort of outdoor mall one day and I had ICE CREAM while all the shops around had Christmas lights and trees in their displays. Slightly surreal.
Also, the night before we left, some sort of hurricane hit the island. At least everyone said it was one. I didn't think of it as THAT bad. It was quite noisy which annoyed me because I couldn't sleep. And some stuff seemed to be whirled around outside but I still didn't think it was too bad. Until my Mom went out on the balcony at around 3AM and then called me out as well. The huge windows of the entrance hall / lobby had been broken in by the storm ann all the glass and wooden shades were lying around all over the place. It looked disastrous. But by the time we left our room the next day (around 8), they had cleaned up already. Only the windows were gone, of course. They must have worked all night because I couldn't spot the tiniest piece of glass anywhere. Oh well, scary thought anyway.
Actually, I wish I could live there all year. Or at least go there more often. When I was driving on one of their many streets in the middle of nowhere with my iPod playing and just enjoying the landscape, I actually thought "Life is good!". I know it is a completely irrational thought but somehow I wonder if I'd be a happier person if I was living in a sunnier place. While walking along one of those tourist shopping streets, I saw some ad by a German company stuck to a lamp post. I know it's one of those rip-off call center jobs that make you sell lottery tickets on the phone but I briefly considered applying there just to see if it would work out. Silly me.
The hotel itself was brilliant. Too brilliant, to be honest. Because I wasn't prepared for it. I knew from the pictures in the catalogue that it would be awesome but I didn't expect it to be that posh and beautiful and amazing and huge. When we arrived there, I kept saying "Mom, we can't go in. I am wearing an oversized band shirt, my hair is all messed up and I am sweaty beyond believe. I am unworthy of all of this!" And, of course, I didn't have enough suitable outfits with me. Just my luck.
a) I am NOT gonna start a job by going to a completely different town all by myself for a week.
b) I am SO not gonna spend a week learning how to handle SOFTWARE. That is complete bullshit, sorry. Give me a comp and an hour and I know how to deal with it.
I don't know how they felt about it. I hope they won't contact me again. It would make things easier as I can't think of an excuse for turning them down. But I really don't want this. When I started at my old job, at least I had a good feeling about it in the beginning. I don't really want to dive into something I feel that bad about already. And this is not caused by me feeling bad in general. Because I was really cheery and excited that day. Only before the interview, though. Afterwards, I was crushed. It all had seemed so perfect. Come home from a fantastic vacation, go to an interview a few days later, land the job and earn good money. And then this happens and I'm without a focus yet again. Also, the interview was in Neuss, which I usually love but that day, I felt...alienated there. Or, since that day. It's weird, but this bad experience sort of changed my view on things. For the very first time I felt home when I got to my hometown again. I felt like I could finally breathe as soon as I took the motorway-exit. It was weird. Maybe because it meant that I could hole up in my room again soon. Or maybe I am coming to terms with the fact that there's a possibility that I'll never be able to leave this place. I don't know. See, ever since I was a kid, I had this stupid thing in my head. When I had to decide between two or more things, I often concentrated on them very hard and then decided which one seemed "warm" (good) or "cold" (bad) to me that moment to see which option I was feeling better about right then. And that day, Duisburg was warm and Neuss was cold. Strange.
Oh yeah, for those of you wondering...the last entry was about the simple fact that I definitely need professional help but will probably never manage to get any because I am only ever able to see how serious things are when I am really far down. Unfortunately I am also unable to get me help or do anything but sulk and decay. During the up-moments, I keep fooling myself and trying to think that I am fine...or will be at least. Oh well...
Manic Street Preachers - No Surface All Feeling