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must not get emotional

2004-08-04


geez, what have i done now? i think i have "something going" now. well, not really. but there's this guy whom i had been mailing with for a while. he works for the same company as me and found my (business) email on our intranet forum. for a few months now we mailed a bit every now and then but it was always quite dull and i hadn't heard from him in weeks now, so i had forgotten about him already. but today, all of a sudden, he mailed me again asking how i was and what i was doing. so, i replied. and this time it worked pretty well. maybe because i was bored and everyone else was either busy or ignoring me. but i actually felt up to replying back and having a more or less nice conversation. he told me how he had broken up with his ex a few weeks ago and how he was unhappy with work and all. well, in the end, he sent me a pic of him and i said he was cute. and i meant "cute". cute as in "aww, look at that cute little kitty!" i mean, he was completely shit-faced when the pic was taken, his cheeks were all rosy and shiny and he had a blissful smile on his face. hell, of course it was cute. but, apparently, he took it as a huge compliment. duh! so, he asked whether we could talk on the phone sometime and if he could have my mobile number and private email to contact me after work, too. i didn't want to be rude and, he is a nice guy after all. so i gave both to him and said he could call me some time but shouldn't expect too much as i'm not much of a phone-person. well, ever after, he kept making strange comments like "i used to live in your area. my family still lives there. if i had a girlfriend there, it would be no problem to see each other every weekend..." and at 3 or so he had to go because he had to install something on a customer's computer (he works as a comp expert thingie) and before he went, he sent another mail saying something like "wow, you're so sweet and it was so nice talking to you today".

god, i hope he's just generally into sweety-talk. i really hope he won't develope a crush on me. it's just...i know i'm not interested. we don't seem to have much in common. i can't say much about his looks. he's not ugly but doesn't make me go "wow", either. he has that little boy-thing about him which is sweet but would probably prevent me from ever being sexually interested. ever.
but the fact that he's sweet makes it all worse. if he does have (or get) a crush on me, it'll be inevitable to hurt him.
oh well, i'm getting ahead of myself. but that's just me. i get worried when it's about love and relationships. i'm very hard to please and sometimes i think i won't ever find someone i'm interested in because i'm so picky and so easily annoyed. maybe i'll find someone who suits my tastes but will this someone also be able to put up with my mood-swings? i highly doubt it. and this guy probably won't.

i'm so weird lately. even more than usual. in a way i feel down but i also get those incredible highs when i'm just giggling for no reason and singing along to the radio and all. and i suddenly started to appreciate all sorts of things about my life. my room for example. i used to hate it for it's tiny-ness and everything. but now i just want to spend all my time there. yeah, it's small and messy and it has the crappy wood-stuff on the ceiling and the tree with all the disgusting bugs in front of the window and there's so much stuff in there, i could move into a huge arena and i'd have enough stuff to fill it...but still, i love it. i spend hours lying on my bed, listening to music. or playing with my PS2 (re-discovered obsession: final fantasy VIII). or reading. or just doing nothing. also, i noticed it's the only room that always keeps a decent temperature. in summer, it's the coolest room because it's the only room without direct sunlight. and in summer, it's quite warm because i'm usually the first one to put the heating to a low level and i always keep my door shut. so it's really a lovely room. <3
and it's the same with my cat. lately, he's spending a big part of his time lying next to me on the sofa. and i even find comfort in that. i watch him and pet him and it makes me happy to have him here. i don't know what's wrong with me...


lostprophets - burn burn



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